Big Plans, Writing and Yes, Tears.

I think it's the whole Gemini thing. You know, the duality, the twins, the psychotic tendencies?

I'm kidding! Not all Gemini's are psycho, just some.

Anyway, this is supposed to be my writing blog and I've been kinda goofy lately so not I'm feeling guilty that I'm not writing about well, writing. I think some of the problem is that I'm not happy with how this blog looks. I thought it was pretty at first, but now it seems just too dark and not as cheery as I'd like. Writers don't HAVE to stay in dark wood paneled rooms with heavy furniture and stuffy bookcases do they?

I'll miss this look, but I think it's best suited to something other than a blog.

With that said, I'm going to be finishing up the questions I still haven't answered and posting some poetry from time to time while I work on overhauling the whole look. I've remembered some of the little tricks to html and css coding and want to do more here to make it as inviting and happy as possible.

Some of the plans I have are making pages for a tour of my home, for blog hops, and for links to some of my favorite blogs, and lastly for causes. I think. There is so much in my mind at any given time it's hard to keep up with my thoughts, and yesterday.....

Yesterday I was blog hopping and I found so many stories of Christmas not being what people I don't know, not expect, but maybe hoped it would be. The economy is horrid, and I'll be honest, I got horribly depressed. It's one thing to realize that my family is going through what we are, but my heart broke as I read story after story of families unable to buy gifts for their loved ones.

I have a soft, soft heart where some things are concerned. I sit here in tears as I write this and I'm not really sure why. I mean it's sad for sure, but I think I am having a pity party so to speak. I read a post yesterday that both touched my heart and broke it all at once.

Check it out here @ The Not So Always Happy Homemaker Diaries.

See, hubby and I used to make money.  Lots of money.  Let me say first off that I am in no means trying to make myself sound better than what I am.  BUT.  We never really cared all that much about cars and houses and vacation homes and status stuff.  We blew money like crazy on things most people would consider weird.  Carpet and pews for the church we once attended.  Stuff to make crazy demonstrations for the Childrens class we taught there.  We sent money to almost every charitable organization we felt a connection to.  We bought groceries for people in need, toys and clothes for kids who didn't have any.  We even gave a conversion van away once.  It wasn't to seem like some kind of angels though.  We simply enjoyed it.  We liked helping people.  Seeing the hope and happiness on faces that had been streaked with tears.  Feeling the arms of people who were thankful for a little bit of kindness wrapped around us.  Once upon a time we were Youth Pastors.

We had the love and adoration of a group of fantastic kids that I to this day love with all my heart, in spite of the fact that the majority of them either hate us now or have completely forgotten about us.  Some of those people we once knew would say "My how the mighty have fallen" if they knew about our situation now.  Unfortunately it was never like that.  It was simply people who were unable to accept that a soul can be compassionate and caring and thoughtful without thoughts of some kind of gain from doing so.

Now we can't pay our bills, we've been in foreclosure three times and still struggle to simply keep our home and keep it heated and lit.  There were weeks that we ate mayonnaise sandwiches because there was no other food in the house.  With all that?  The part I miss about having money is being able to help people.  Buying little things for my Mom that make her smile.  Sending flowers to my mother-in-law for no special reason.  Buying a to-go dinner at Applebees and taking it to the homeless guy that hangs out a 7-11.

Money isn't everything.  Some of our happiest holidays have been lately when we've literally had no gifts.  This year will be the same, and it's okay.  I can deal with it for us, but knowing so many of you, my blogging friends, are in the same situation, but with little kids in the house just makes me cry.

Ugh.

I didn't intent to do this.  Not today.  I had to change the title of my blog.  I try to be positive.  My Mother says I'm so positive it makes her want to slap me!  :)  That doesn't explain why I'm sitting here sniffling and wiping tears away so I can see the computer screen.  I sincerely wish, to every one of you reading this that are struggling with anything, that I could reach out and make all your worries and problems go away.  I can't though, so I will tell you that you've all touched my heart, brought tears to my eyes, and I assure you that I think of you all and pray that times will get better and you will survive and endure and grow stronger from what you're going through now.

I also urge any of you who can to follow the lead of Proud Mom and do something good for the holidays.  Volunteer time or resources, Give, Donate, anything.  I promise you that the joy that comes from those small tokens of kindness are the best times ever.

I am so very thankful for the things I've been blessed with, for a roof over my head, food on my table, heat and lights, and no matter how bleak things look for us, I have to remind myself that there is ALWAYS someone that has so much less than I do.  Do what you can, even if it's giving someone a dime to go towards a cup of something hot to keep them warm.  Please don't think I'm preaching, I'm not.  I didn't review this, didn't spellcheck it, this is straight from my heart and sometimes the thoughts get all jumbled up in my head and don't come out the way I want, so please take this in the spirit in which it was written.

Now, I've unloaded on you all, I promise tomorrow will be better, and hopefully I'll have the start of a new look and feel for my little bloggie baby here, so come back soon!  I'll be here!

A Search for Christmas (Getting into the Spirit)

My husband still thinks I'm crazy. You see, when my daughter was two months old, I decided she needed a Christmas tree in her room. Not one of those table top versions but a REAL tree, floor to ceiling version. Reluctantly, my significant other agreed, the only concession being that I get one of the slender ones. 

Well, little did I know at the time that there was not a single one of them left in the entire city of Richmond. After spending three days calling every retailer in the city, and about 1,000 miles of travel across town and back again and again, I made an offer. 


One local craft store had a display set up with twelve of the trees that I wanted, all decorated and everything. So....I suggested to the manager that they take everything off one of the trees and sell it to me. I even offered to pay for the labor to remove the ornaments. Seemed reasonable enough to me at the time right? After all this was the very same store that had promised they would have 500 trees come in that day which was why I was there in the first place. 


Well the manager informed me that the only way they could sell it off the floor was exactly how I saw it. The price? $400.00. The truly frightening thing is that I actually considered doing it. Paying $400.00 for a $50.00 tree. Amazing what desperation will do to you. I stood thinking that I could take some of the ornaments and use them on the family tree, use some as gifts to the mailman, the baby-sitter, etc., and could use the rest as gift toppers. Thankfully though, sanity returned and I made sure that the manager would retreat to his office and pencil my name in directly below that of Zsa Zsa Gabor's on his "customers to be avoided at any and all costs" list. 

So it was back to the drawing board for me. More trips across town, more phone calls and finally, a payoff! I called the above referenced store since they had promised me faithfully they'd have more coming in later in the week. They told me that those trees had still not come in, but that one tree had been returned and thankfully for us all, it wasn't the manager who answered the phone. 

Guaranteed that it had a sweet yellow HOLD tag on it with my name in big bold black letters, I rushed out on a wing and a prayer, determined that my only child would have this tree in her room before she reached puberty. 

It was there, just like they promised and exactly as I had pictured it in my Christmas spirit clouded mind. I rushed it home and barely had the box in the house before I was assembling this icon of Christmas perfection. I spent three hours shaping every single little branch and twig to assure absolute perfection before it dawned on me -- I had nothing to put on the tree after I finished making it perfect. All the heartache and effort to get the tree, and standing before me was the perfect synthetic evergreen without a single ribbon, bell or bow to adorn it. 

Exhausted from the search, I decided to sleep on the matter, although truth be known, it was already too late to even attempt to go out and get the job done. I'm sure you've got a pretty good guess what I dreamed about that night. Talk about "visions of sugarplums". After a very busy night of sleep, it came to me. I remembered those construction paper garlands we used to make thousands and thousands of feet of as kids. It was perfect! While I was out getting the construction paper, I could pick up the lights and some ornaments too. 

After two to twelve hours of frenzied shopping and a wallet $200 lighter, I cam home bearing the fulfillment of my wish in about a zillion of those little white plastic shopping bags. A tablet of construction paper to make the garlands, 600 bright colored lights, about 50 ornaments and a little angel for the top of the tree with lights in her skirt. I spent another three hours making sure the lights were as perfect as the tree, then three more cutting and glueing construction paper and finally, ornamentation begins! 

My daughter was asleep in her crib right beside the tree oblivious to all but her own little sugarplums. She woke before I finished up, so her Daddy took her in the den so I could finish up and she wouldn't see the tree before it was finished. After finally making sure that the tree would meet the very highest standards, it was almost time for the "grand illumination". I got Meaghan aka Kitty, dressed in a little velvet Christmas outfit and put bows in the little hair she had at the time, all the while ignoring my husband's eyes rolling around in his head like marbles at a "He Man Woman Hater's Club" marble tournament. I was actually beginning to wonder myself if all the energy and effort I had expended had been worth it. 

I still carry the picture of her face when she saw that tree and I've never questioned the effort since. Another concession was the angel, seems she just couldn't sleep with an angel blinking her skirt in the dark. (Who knew the lights BLINKED????). All in all though, that tree was the wisest investment in joy I've ever made. 

Meaghan is three now and we pick out new ornaments together each year, which is more fun than I had that first year, although it did cross my mind this year that one of these days, her idea of the perfect ornament will leave Miss Piggy in the barnyard and Raggedy Ann in the rag bin under the sink, but I've decided to worry about that a little bit later. 

She helped me decorate the tree this year, this being the first year she's been old enough to actually help, and it was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. To see the smiles, and hear that innocent laughter was to me, the spirit of Christmas in it's truest form. Whenever anyone comes to the house, she immediately regales them with tales of her tree and takes their hand to lead them upstairs to her bedroom. Of course she also tells them that she did it all by herself. This year I added lights to her changing table, which is now being used as a refuge for endangered animals of the stuffed variety. I also found some of those static cling ornaments and put those up all over her four sliding glass closet doors. It was really quite beautiful, and you can imagine my surprise when I came into her room the next morning to find all of them from about three feet down stacked atop each other resting peacefully in bed with her! 

I think at some point in your adulthood, Christmas loses a lot of it's "magic". I didn't even realize this had happened to me until my daughter was born. Actually, it was only this year while I was wrapped up in finding the perfect gift for everyone on my list, cleaning the house like a fanatic, just in case someone stopped by and making enough sugar cookies to feed the Foreign Legion. I realized that Christmas for us grown ups just isn't what it used to be. As with everything else, responsibility seems to take a little something away from us. 

I decided to take a break for a minute, to actually exhale for a little while, when I saw my daughter sitting in front of the television watching Frosty the Snowman. I bought this tape for her the year before last and I can actually mind-block Frosty now having seen the tape around 70,000 times. 


But this time, something happened. 


I heard her singing the little Frosty theme song and for her it goes something like this....."Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy snow, with a corn pipe and a butt nose and two eyes made out of hole".... I looked at her face and what I saw there brought back so many childhood memories, I found my eyes welling up. I remembered all of those Christmases, and all of a sudden, the magic was back. It was only for a little while, but nevertheless, it was there. I saw finally, what she had been seeing since we'd started decorating. The innocence of a child's simple amazement. That sounds so simple, but I look back at the typed words and think that perhaps that one phrase could capture the essence of the entire holiday season. It was a revelation to me and I enjoyed Christmas more this year than I have in a very long time. 

This year, I informed my husband that I'm going to keep Meaghan's tree up all year and decorate it for each holiday. You're right, he thought I was crazy but he loves me, so he humors me every once in a while, and besides he gets the added pleasure of looking on while I go nuts trying to find the perfect ornaments for St. Patricks Day. It's going to be a lot of fun I think, although I do have one question.....Does anyone know where I can find little hanging shamrocks? Or maybe some green lights? OH OH OH I know! Wooden leprechauns.....ooooooh even better, four leaf clovers???? 

Why do I have a feeling this is not going to be as easy as I thought it might be. 

Donna J. P. Riley 
December 29, 1995 

________________________


A little thing I wrote many many years ago, but oddly enough, reading it again, it seems like just yesterday.  She doesn't have room for that tree in her room anymore.  Clothes and books and cd players and dvd players and playstations and posters of musicians have taken up all that room, but she still loves helping me decorate the downstairs.  The village is her favorite part and every year, no matter how broke we are, we manage a trip to the Dollar Tree to pick up a few more things to add.  


She just turned 18, and the past four years have been rather hellish.  As a parent, we always want to do things for our kids, and well, it just hasn't happened lately.  For her 18th birthday, we managed to scrape together the extra 20 bucks to get a necklace she'd had in layaway out for her.  I cried for weeks prior to her birthday about letting her down. 


It seems though that maybe the magic isn't just Christmas, it's the people we love.


Kitty has never cared about "things".  She's a miracle teenager I think.  She's happy shopping at Goodwill although she'd rather shop at American Apparel.  She's fine with WalMart when she loves Bygones (a vintage clothing shop here in Carytown with pricetags to make you weep).  Maybe we really CAN have that spirit of Christmas year round if we let go of the material and just rejoice in the blessings in our lives every single day.