Big Plans, Writing and Yes, Tears.

I think it's the whole Gemini thing. You know, the duality, the twins, the psychotic tendencies?

I'm kidding! Not all Gemini's are psycho, just some.

Anyway, this is supposed to be my writing blog and I've been kinda goofy lately so not I'm feeling guilty that I'm not writing about well, writing. I think some of the problem is that I'm not happy with how this blog looks. I thought it was pretty at first, but now it seems just too dark and not as cheery as I'd like. Writers don't HAVE to stay in dark wood paneled rooms with heavy furniture and stuffy bookcases do they?

I'll miss this look, but I think it's best suited to something other than a blog.

With that said, I'm going to be finishing up the questions I still haven't answered and posting some poetry from time to time while I work on overhauling the whole look. I've remembered some of the little tricks to html and css coding and want to do more here to make it as inviting and happy as possible.

Some of the plans I have are making pages for a tour of my home, for blog hops, and for links to some of my favorite blogs, and lastly for causes. I think. There is so much in my mind at any given time it's hard to keep up with my thoughts, and yesterday.....

Yesterday I was blog hopping and I found so many stories of Christmas not being what people I don't know, not expect, but maybe hoped it would be. The economy is horrid, and I'll be honest, I got horribly depressed. It's one thing to realize that my family is going through what we are, but my heart broke as I read story after story of families unable to buy gifts for their loved ones.

I have a soft, soft heart where some things are concerned. I sit here in tears as I write this and I'm not really sure why. I mean it's sad for sure, but I think I am having a pity party so to speak. I read a post yesterday that both touched my heart and broke it all at once.

Check it out here @ The Not So Always Happy Homemaker Diaries.

See, hubby and I used to make money.  Lots of money.  Let me say first off that I am in no means trying to make myself sound better than what I am.  BUT.  We never really cared all that much about cars and houses and vacation homes and status stuff.  We blew money like crazy on things most people would consider weird.  Carpet and pews for the church we once attended.  Stuff to make crazy demonstrations for the Childrens class we taught there.  We sent money to almost every charitable organization we felt a connection to.  We bought groceries for people in need, toys and clothes for kids who didn't have any.  We even gave a conversion van away once.  It wasn't to seem like some kind of angels though.  We simply enjoyed it.  We liked helping people.  Seeing the hope and happiness on faces that had been streaked with tears.  Feeling the arms of people who were thankful for a little bit of kindness wrapped around us.  Once upon a time we were Youth Pastors.

We had the love and adoration of a group of fantastic kids that I to this day love with all my heart, in spite of the fact that the majority of them either hate us now or have completely forgotten about us.  Some of those people we once knew would say "My how the mighty have fallen" if they knew about our situation now.  Unfortunately it was never like that.  It was simply people who were unable to accept that a soul can be compassionate and caring and thoughtful without thoughts of some kind of gain from doing so.

Now we can't pay our bills, we've been in foreclosure three times and still struggle to simply keep our home and keep it heated and lit.  There were weeks that we ate mayonnaise sandwiches because there was no other food in the house.  With all that?  The part I miss about having money is being able to help people.  Buying little things for my Mom that make her smile.  Sending flowers to my mother-in-law for no special reason.  Buying a to-go dinner at Applebees and taking it to the homeless guy that hangs out a 7-11.

Money isn't everything.  Some of our happiest holidays have been lately when we've literally had no gifts.  This year will be the same, and it's okay.  I can deal with it for us, but knowing so many of you, my blogging friends, are in the same situation, but with little kids in the house just makes me cry.

Ugh.

I didn't intent to do this.  Not today.  I had to change the title of my blog.  I try to be positive.  My Mother says I'm so positive it makes her want to slap me!  :)  That doesn't explain why I'm sitting here sniffling and wiping tears away so I can see the computer screen.  I sincerely wish, to every one of you reading this that are struggling with anything, that I could reach out and make all your worries and problems go away.  I can't though, so I will tell you that you've all touched my heart, brought tears to my eyes, and I assure you that I think of you all and pray that times will get better and you will survive and endure and grow stronger from what you're going through now.

I also urge any of you who can to follow the lead of Proud Mom and do something good for the holidays.  Volunteer time or resources, Give, Donate, anything.  I promise you that the joy that comes from those small tokens of kindness are the best times ever.

I am so very thankful for the things I've been blessed with, for a roof over my head, food on my table, heat and lights, and no matter how bleak things look for us, I have to remind myself that there is ALWAYS someone that has so much less than I do.  Do what you can, even if it's giving someone a dime to go towards a cup of something hot to keep them warm.  Please don't think I'm preaching, I'm not.  I didn't review this, didn't spellcheck it, this is straight from my heart and sometimes the thoughts get all jumbled up in my head and don't come out the way I want, so please take this in the spirit in which it was written.

Now, I've unloaded on you all, I promise tomorrow will be better, and hopefully I'll have the start of a new look and feel for my little bloggie baby here, so come back soon!  I'll be here!

Where To Go From Here.....Lost in Life

I'm long past that rosy future stage of my life.  I think I gave those glasses to Goodwill.

Once upon a time, things were....or seemed to be much easier.  Getting a job was simply a matter of putting yourself out there and applying.  Now?  Not so easy.  At least it hasn't been for me.  The part that kills me is that I'm a creative mind.  My husband came up with the idea for a pre-lit Christmas tree about twenty years ago.  I came up with the idea for pet insurance just about that long go.  Both of those ideas were swept away by someone else with more money or initiative or something and we sit here at home looking at those ValPak coupons with ads for pet insurance and the WalMart flyers with sales on pre-lit Christmas trees.

Last year I worked for Calendar Club.  You've probably seen the kiosks in malls where you live or even shopped them a time or two.  For those of you who aren't familiar with the concept, it's a system where you pay an upfront deposit, and the company sends you everything you need to set up a seasonal kiosk in the mall to sell calendars and sometimes games.  Black Friday last year, we sold over six grand.  As the season wound to a close, I found myself walking around the mall more and more.  There was this perfect storefront that was vacant and everytime I walked by it, I could visualize the tattoo and piercing shop I wanted to open.  I spent one whole day at work sketching out the artwork for the logo.  Went home and recreated it as a graphic image and was so excited I could barely sit still.

Now, you're probably wondering why I didn't go for it?  Well let me explain.  I'm broke.  Literally.

Have you ever noticed that when you're struggling financially everything costs more?  No?  Well take a look at it.  You bounce a check, you have to pay anywhere from thirty to sixty bucks in overdraft fees.  Get your utilities cut off?  You have to pay a reconnect fee and sometimes a deposit.  Get behind on your mortgage?  You REALLY don't want to do that.  You end up paying lawyer fees in the effort to keep the house you call home.  Some people might say to just sell the house, move into an apartment.  Well people, I've lived in my house for seventeen years.  In case you're in the same position, I'll share another little secret.  Apartment costs have skyrocketed.  Sure, there are places that cost a little less than my current mortgage, but let's face it, they come with benefits.  If you're feeling optimistic.  Benefits like having an armed next door neighbor, in case someone tries to break in.  Benefits like added police security...in the form of cruisers having your neighborhood memorized street by street.  Benefits like having your windows nailed shut in case you've always longed for a more creative way to escape a raging inferno.

So skip that little negativity rant and we'll move on.

It costs a small fortune to start a business.  A fortune that if you're in the category mentioned above, doesn't leave banks and lenders in a positive mind set when you go asking for a business loan.  We've all heard how easy it is for women and minorities to get funding to help start a business, but from what I've seen?  That's as much of a pipe dream as the idea that our economy is going to make a miraculous turnaround.

Once upon a time, I had a great job.  At least it seemed to be.  Until one day the boss walked in and said "I love you to death, but it's time we part ways."  Huh?  Maybe the "love you to death" part was buttering me up for the fact that he had no intention of paying me the almost $17,000 he owned me in back wages.  Or maybe it was to get me to reconsider filing for unemployment.  His lawyer seemed to think that would be easy.  "Let's offer Donna $3,000 as a settlement and tell her she can't file for unemployment either."  I'd say that wouldn't work, but it did.  I turned down the offer, and instead got nothing.  No unemployment, no settlement, no back wages.

Before you say anything, I'll tell you this.  I tried.

I went to the labor board.  They said they wouldn't deal with any amount over $10,000.  I offered to settle for that, but I'd already turned in my paperwork and that would have been fraud I was told.

No money to hire a lawyer, so I talked to Legal Aid.  Apparently we make too much money to qualify.  Too much being $20,000 a year.  Yeah, let's see you live on that these days.

Talked to the Commonwealth Attorney who assured me after viewing all the evidence that my boss would be taken from his home in handcuffs.  Felony stuff he said.  Couple of weeks later, after not hearing anything and calling a half dozen times, I was told there was "nothing they could do."  Oh.  Okay.  No reason, just nothing they could do.

Oh well right?

Little did I know at the time that I was gearing up to take part in a sleep fest.

I was diagnosed with what they call "Ideopathic Hypersomnia" about the same time.  Basically, it's narcolepsy without the annoying leg tremors and hallucinations.  Easy fix right?  They gave me a prescription for Ritalin and that worked great.  For about two weeks.  My house was immaculate.  I made so many craft projects I'm still trying to give them all away.  I was awake for three days straight, slept an entire day and did it all over again.  Then things evened out and my life became a bit more normal.  Still couldn't' get up in the morning without wanting to weep at the loss of warm sheets and a to-die-for pillow, but I could manage.  Fast forward a year or two and the Ritalin isn't working so well.  So they try Adderall.  Blah, Blah, Blah.  Same thing, different day.

Fast forward again.  Meds don't work at all anymore.  I can take three of either right before bed and sleep like a baby.  Until noon or later the next day.  Sleep doctor says I'm screwed.  Nothing new on the horizon, so best file for disability.

That's an entirely new animal.  I do recommend though that anyone attempting to file for disability do so through Allsup.  They've been a huge help to me, filling out all the paperwork for me, counseling me on anything from how long this might take to what happens if I'm denied.  I'm still waiting so the question remains....what do I do now?

I WANT to do so much.  I'm intelligent, creative, dedicated, loyal, and a lot of other positive things so why do I still struggle with making ends meet?  I've tried online businesses, selling crafts, did the whole home business thing, I've applied to over a 1,000 different jobs and not so much as a call back for an interview.  People have said it's because of my age and the fact that I was making too much money at my last job.  The same company could hire my daughter and pay her half of what they paid me easily and she'd be overjoyed and perhaps give them another 30 years which I'm unable to do anymore.  Is it that bad really?  That companies don't care about the skills or experience an older person could bring to the table?

I have no idea what to do anymore.  The bills pile up and I've pulled off about as many miracles as I can.  I'm hardly a miracle worker despite so far having held onto our house for four years on one income.  So that's where I am today.  Still sick, still depressed, still waiting for a half dozen things to coalesce so I can pay my bills and keep a roof over our heads.  Today is just one of those days that I feel like hanging it all up.  Giving up completely.  I can't, and I won't.  I'm not a person who gives up, but some days it's nice to just think about it.