Thirty Days of Truth - Day Three

I knew going into this that there would be things that I wasn't quite sure I was ready to share with the public.  It's actually been good that my break came when it did, because it gave me a chance to work things through in my head.  I'm not sure how many people in my life know about what I'm about to write about, so you're finding out before a lot of my friends and family as well.

Day Three - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I've lost track of the time, years, dates, etc. but when I was in my early twenties I was dating this guy off and on. I was attracted to him, but he was considerably younger than I was so I really didn't commit to a relationship with him for that reason.  While we were going out, he decided he was going to join the Marines.  We wrote during the eight weeks of boot camp, kept in touch, and he came home and found out he was being stationed at Virginia Beach.  We're only about an hour, maybe hour and a half from there and me and my best friend at the time often went to the beach for the day.

I don't remember how the plans came together, but my girlfriend and I went down to the beach for the weekend so that I could visit this guy off base.  We had a good night, went out, ate, walked the boardwalk and that's when things went off plan.

I learned very quickly that even after eight weeks in the Marines, a short time really, people change.  The sweet young guy I used to know had changed.  Something I didn't find out until it was too late.  My girlfriend pretended to be asleep while I was raped.  I don't remember what happened after that, I think I was in shock, I don't remember him leaving, don't remember falling asleep, but I woke up in the hotel room with blood staining my bed and my girlfriend asleep in the other bed.  I'd been a virgin before that.

I didn't talk to him anymore after that.  Pretty sure he knew I didn't want to see him.

I shoved it all into the back of my mind and went on with my life.

For a while.

I found out I was pregnant at five months.  I was naive, didn't keep up with my periods because I'd never had to.  Time passed and I got to thinking it had been a while.  Hoping that it was just because what had happened because it'd be impossible to get pregnant from just one time like that right?  The first time especially.  I don't remember crying, or planning, or anything.  I remember going to some friends to borrow the money for an abortion.  I remember scheduling it under an alias.  I remember laying there and for some reason, the doctor who did the procedure telling me it had been a girl.  WHY?  Why would he tell me that?

I might have been okay if he hadn't.  Probably not though.  I'd always been against abortion, but our church, well, my Mom was seriously involved in church and I was scared.  I had no real friends to talk to about it, I didn't want to talk to my girlfriend who I was pretty sure knew what was happening and hadn't done anything to stop it.  I figured since I'd been raped it would be okay.  I didn't want to have HIS baby.  I didn't want anything to do with him, or anything to tie me to him.  So I did it.

I still wake up in the middle of the night hearing a baby crying sometimes.  I dream about her all the time.

And I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself, or if I even want to.