Thirty Days of Truth - Day One

Okay so this should be an interesting endeavor for me.  I kinda hate that I'm going to miss that one week, but I promise I'll make it up, this is how I wanted to start the new year and I've been looking forward to it for too long to postpone it just so I can do every day in order.

The first day is:  Something you hate about yourself.

Well.

What a way to start.

I hate that I try to be everything to everyone.  It's a guaranteed way to make you feel like you're not good enough.  When you've got family and friends, and especially a job too, there's NO way to be what everyone needs when they need it.  If you try, someone is going to suffer and feel let down.  I'm not sure what the answer to this one is actually, I'm still working it out the best I can.

I really hate this sleeping disorder.  I guess that doesn't really belong here in some ways, but in so many others it does.  Yes, it's a physical condition, but I can't help but feel like it's my fault somehow that I can't just force myself to stay awake.  I've heard all the things people say about me, that I'm lazy, that it's in my head, that I could stay up if I put myself on a schedule and stuck to it, that it's ridiculous that anyone sleeps so much, the list goes on and on.  Fact is?  I really can't help it.  Sure I can MAKE myself stay awake, but I pay for it.  I'm tired every minute of every day of my life and I hate that.  I really, truly hate it.  I feel cheated.  Robbed of what should be life and instead is not much more than a series of naps.

I hate how I feel about getting old.  I remember when I was in middle school thinking that my Mom was ancient, and now I'm older than she was.  I would really like to be able to reconcile those thoughts.  I'm so much more self confident now than I was when I WAS young and pretty, and that shows through, I know.  I get more compliments now than I did then, but there's just something about knowing that my hair is dyed and I use make up and beauty products to battle the signs of aging that makes me feel like an imposter.

I hate that I've let other people dictate parts of my life in the past.  I can't go back and get those years to do over and I know now I would have done things differently.

I know it's odd, but I hate that I'm so nice sometimes.  I'd like to be bitchy sometimes and just say No.  If for no other reason I'd be almost $17,000 richer right now if I had.  Long story that, one for another day.

I hate that I didn't take more pictures when I was pregnant.  I felt fat and ugly but now I wish I had more of those photographs of the months when I created the most wonderful child I know.

I hate that I spent so much time when I was younger worrying about what other people thought of me and being "safe".

I hate that I didn't get to spend those years with my Dad when he wasn't at home.  The few months I had back before he died weren't long enough.

I hate that I've let people I care about slip away from me.

I hate that I put my trust in people who didn't deserve it and wound up being hurt.  It caused me to build some pretty impressive walls around myself and I'm pretty sure I've kept people out who could have been good friends because I was afraid to trust again.

I hate that I didn't laugh easily for so long because I thought my smile was too big.

I know there's probably more in there somewhere, but I think this is enough for today.