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Showing posts with label thirty days of truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thirty days of truth. Show all posts

Friday, January 27, 2012

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Seventeen

Another chapter in the oddity that is me begins here.  Day Seventeen and a book that changed your life.

I'm going to take you back a way....a long way actually, to when I was a mere sweet sixteen and in private school that I loathed.  We had a reward system there.  Read a book every week, write a report on it, and stand up in front of the ENTIRE school and do a book report and you got privileges that allowed you to pretty much do whatever you wanted as long as you stayed on school property.  Combine, well, me with that privilege and you know where I learned to speak in front of large groups of people.  I did it every single week for two years.

Being a very small school, we had a limited library, so needless to say toward the end of those two years, I started running out of reading material.

All that time, there on the shelf sat this ONE book.  All alone, perhaps due to it's girth.  You KNOW I don't remember how many pages that freaking book had now, but I'm ballparking around 863.  If memory serves.  It's been sitting there for almost two years taunting me.  I've picked it up and read a little, but in the first place it was published in 1809 and I'm sixteen.  Ugh.  It's by a woman named Jane Porter whom of course I've never heard of.  And it's l.o.n.g.  No way I can finish this book in a week and give a report on it.

Finally, it happens.  It's the last book on the shelf, so it's me sitting the rest of the year in a little cubicle with partitions on both sides of me so I can't see anything except directly in front, or read the freaking book and being free.

Now you're curious aren't you? Mhm.

The book is titled The Scottish Chiefs.  It's the historical account of the live of Sir William Wallace.  I've seen it touted as historical and as historical romance.  Not buying the romance, it's factual and that's a part of it, but it's beyond that by spades.


I vividly remember the night I started reading it.  My bedroom was a color I'll not admit in public, and my bed was that white with the gold trim.  I had the matching chest and dresser and even the desk with matching chair.  My bedspread was that white bumpy stuff that all the little old ladies used to have but it was warm and snuggly and I loved it.  There was a window directly across from the foot of my bed that looked out onto the main street and a huge maple tree my grandmother had planted in the yard that eventually had to be cut down because of the power lines.  There was a window to the left of my bed that looked out across our street to the Farris' house.  A lovely old couple who worked in the yard all day every day and never failed to have something nice to say.  I used to help them weed those little purple flowers also favored by the old folks that seemed to want to take over the world if you'd let them.  Alas, I digress.

I curled up in bed and took the paper jacket off because I always mess those up.  Then I started reading.  I admit the first few pages or even chapters were hard, but it didn't take long.

Jane Porter wrote this in a preface.....

"In seeking to go back, by the traces of recollection, to the period when the first impression of the heroes which form the story of the Scottish Chiefs was made on my mind, I am carried so completely into the scenes of my infancy, that I feel like one of the children old tales tell of, who, being lost in a wood, tries to find her way home again, by the possibly preserved track of a few corn seeds she had chanced to scatter on the ground as she came."


I won't go into detail as honestly, I don't remember all that much, other than that I was mesmerized.  I didn't want to put it down.  Even with the sometimes difficult to understand terminology, the use of old, old, old Kings English, etc., it was spellbinding.  I gave my book report the very next Friday and was granted my freedom once again.  I finished the book in four days.  Probably skipped some homework assignments, but I finished the book.


That book is the book that introduced me to reading.  Really reading.  Not to pass a test or for required reading, not just to be granted another week of freedom, but to sink into the pages and get lost.  To really enjoy the story, the characters, the work that goes into writing a novel.  


It's not even close, not by a long shot, but if you really need the reference, think "Braveheart".  Maybe it would have been more pleasant to read if I'd had that image of Mel Gibson as William Wallace while I was reading, or you know what, I don't think it would have.  Even after all these years, I can say with all honesty it's my favorite book ever.  Even if I don't remember that much of it.  I own it now.  My husband bought me a copy years ago and I think it might be time to go back and pick it up again.


Until next time......

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Sixteen

Oh yeah, day sixteen!  Something you could definitely live without.  Let me count the ways, I mean things, I could live without!

Drama:  I say this in the final stretch of raising a teenage daughter.  She's 19 now.  Please tell me the drama ends here!  Seriously though, she's not all that bad, sometimes I'd like to beat her with wet noodles about the head and shoulders sure, but all in all, not too often.  I actually see more drama from adults these days than teenagers and it makes my blood boil, so much so that I'm actually glad I've reached hermit status.

Wrinkles:  Nuff said.  In clothes and skin.

Mean People:  I don't get that.  Life's too short to spend your time being mean or vindictive.

Politics:  Again, nuff said.

Alarm clocks:  I know the world functions on them, but for me, not so much and I loathe them.  Years of being regulated by them killed the love if ever there was love.

Allergies:  Is there even a purpose?  Ugh.  (Aaaaaaachoo!)

Slow Drivers:  Yes, I'm a speed demon.  I'm an aggressive driver.  I'm a nightmare behind the wheel to all who do less than twenty miles over the speed limit :D

Pantyhose:  Obviously designed by a man.

Bras:  See pantyhose above.

Negativity:  Yes, the glass IS half full damnit!

Phones:  Except for texting :D


Facebook diaries:  Yes, you know who they are, those people who use facebook to tell you how they spend every second of every day.




Okay, I think I could probably go on for a day or twenty, so let's sum it up that those are some of my fave things I could do without.  Don't judge me!  I do wear bras, I just don't like them.

Have a nice day :D

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Fifteen

Someone or something you couldn't live without, because you've tried.

Wow.  Really?  Whoever came up with these questions are making a person really think.  To be honest with you I'm still thinking.  I figured I'd start writing and see what I come up with because I honestly couldn't think of anything, other than the obvious things I couldn't do without, but then I'm not living without those things so it's a hard question.  I feel like I have to think of something deep and meaningful, but those are usually things you don't try to live without right?  So again, how would you know?

I'll admit to the world, I'm a smoker.  I don't want to quit.  Have no desire to.  Could I if I wanted to?  Yeah.  That's a no dice.

Coffee?  Yeah, can do without that, wouldn't like it even though it's not a die hard habit.

Chocolate?  Nah, couldn't live without it, but have never tried, so again it's a nix.

Television?  Electronics?  Surprise, surprise?  Could so live without those.  In fact, I wish there was like one day a week nationwide when NO electronics were allowed at all.  Cellphones, televisions, computers, the whole nine yards.  A day to get back to the basics, lock out the outside world in your home and spend time with nothing but the people you love the most.

Hmmm, what next.....

Money.  Ugh.  I'm talking here the money most people take for granted.  The money that allows you to take a vacation, pay your bills, eat out every once in a while, that kind of thing.  I've never been homeless or destitute so I'm not even going there.  I can tell you that when we went from making a LOT of money to not having enough to pay our bills was tough.  I wouldn't WANT to go through that again, but honestly?  I could live.  We used to go all out for Christmas.  My husband and I would spend upwards of thousands on each other for Christmas.  When we couldn't pay our bills, we chose to nix Christmas gifts for each other all together.  For the past five years we haven't exchanged gifts at all.  You know what?  It's been great.  No worrying about expectations, finding the "perfect" gift, it's really been great.  We can focus all our attention on our daughter and have had the best Christmases ever.  This year when we COULD afford to buy gifts for each other, we still chose not to.  We had a fantastic holiday.  I could go without the stress of worrying about having my house foreclosed on but again, we're talking about being able to make it and we managed to make it somehow or other.

I'm floundering here now, can you tell?  I haven't really had to live without anything I couldn't live without.  I'm going to get all deep now I think......is there really anything you can't live without?  Other than air, food, water, shelter?  Back in 1981 I'd have told you I couldn't live without my Dad, but I did.  I had to.

I guess I really suck at the whole thirty days of truth thing because I'm either not able to see the humor in it or I'm just too.....something.....easy going?  Naive?  Something.  Selfish maybe?  I have never voluntarily given up anything I couldn't live without.  Who would?  If it's not voluntary, why would you give it up?  Am I missing something here?  Maybe I need to go read some other people's so I can get a new perspective.  Maybe I thought this through TOO much and missed something obvious.  I'm taking this too literally I think, but it's thirty days of truth and I'm trying to be truthful.  Maybe I need to leave now and visit fail blog or something!


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Fourteen

So yes, I'm about a year behind on these, but better late than never right?

Day fourteen - A hero who has let you down.  (Letter)

Dear Dana,

Sometimes I still think back to when things were so different.  I admired you, respected you, looked up to you, and had so much faith in you it hurt.  I knew even then that your life wasn't perfect, but no ones is, and that's what makes us the people we are.  I thought we were friends.  I've had so few of those in my life that you probably had no idea how much it meant to me to feel that you really were and that you cared about me and my family.

I can't even really remember when things started to unwind, to progress to the point that it's like we never even knew each other.  I still smile though when I think back to the good times.  I remember you helping the Kitty Princess find the tiniest little things in the church yard.  I still don't know how on earth you did it.  A barbie shoe in a half acre of grass?  Amazing.

I know you've been through a lot, and I guess sometimes we hold people like you up to different expectations.  I never did though, I sympathized with you when things started coming out into the open, I protected you and took up for you to anyone who had anything bad to say about you.  When you moved away, I thought maybe we'd keep in touch.  I thought maybe things would be okay in time.  I know it's judgmental but I guess I thought you'd be different than the rest.  That you were sincere, but after going to your father's funeral to pay my respects, I realized that you're just as capable of the rhetoric as the rest of them.  The facade was caring, thankful to have me there, glad to see me and my family.  It was a facade though.  I'm seeing that more now.



When I finally messaged you on Facebook, it all came clear.  You're not who I thought you were.  I don't know if you ever were or if you were just better at playing the game than most.  I can't tell you how disappointed I was and still am.  I still miss you though, and I guess ignorance really is bliss.  I wish you well though, wherever you are and whatever life brings you.

Love,
Donna

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Thirteen

I was prepared to write a letter to Three Days Grace, or Rascal Flatts, but then it hit me, although it's been a long time, I needed to write the letter to Mark Hall of Casting Crowns.  I was in church my entire life until about four years ago and haven't been since.  That doesn't mean God isn't real to me or that I don't still spend time thinking about my relationship with him.

Dear Mark,

It's been a long time since I really listened to your music.  I have to admit I've gone astray, into the music of other genres.  Three Days Grace, Buckcherry, Aerosmith, Flogging Molly, The Cure, The Black Crowes, Better than Ezra, etc.  Actually when I got ready to start this letter, it was going to be to Adam Gontier of Three Days Grace, but then I remembered sitting in the car in the WaWa parking lot, listening to your first cd, a song called Praise You In This Storm.  By the time Kevin got back to the car, I was crying like crazy.  I don't remember ever being moved like I was by that song.  Maybe it was just that time in my life, but for months I listened to that cd over and over again, and every single track, and I do mean EVERY track meant something to me.

When we started our youth group at church, we named them The Voice of Truth after yet another song on that album.  I've still got tee shirts with the name and logo on them even though it's a distant memory now.  The group, the church, and the kids.  That cd helped get me through what I can only describe as hell.  A time in my life that I truly felt like everything was falling apart, a time when I wondered if I'd make it out the same person I was when it started.

Thank you for being there when I needed you, for writing the music that may have literally saved my sanity if not my life.  I used to tell everyone I ran into about you and your music, the story behind how Casting Crowns came to be, such an inspirational story to be true, but I have to apologize that it's been a long long time since I've had the heart to listen again.  Today marks the first day in a long time, and I think now I'll be coming back to you, so thanks again.

Love,
Donna





Saturday, February 26, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Eleven & Twelve

I'm going to lie and say I'm putting these together simply because it works instead of admitting that I couldn't for the life of me remember which day was which after I JUST read them to find out what I"m posting today.

All about compliments.

What do I get complimented most on, and what no one ever compliments me on.

This is kinda difficult because usually you can find me in my jammies with my cow slippers on holed up in the house like the crazy cat lady that I am.  Needless to say I'm not famous enough for the paparazzi to be camped out on my deck so they can snap pictures of the newest pj pant design, or write articles about the sorry state of my cow slippers of late.  They're old, you can't blame them for the parts that are supposed to be inside the slipper finding their way to the outside, or for the fact that their ears look more like Yoda than a cow these days. No one has found the need to mention that my roots are more gray then red, or that my makeup isn't quite up to par.

As you guys have drummed into me, at my whining prompt I might add, is that I'm a writer.  Until I've reached the best seller list, pretty sure no one cares what I look like and by then, I might decide to write under a pseudonym and use Brian's (nuclearheadache & the encyclopedia of counted sheep) picture for the back cover.




With that said, the thing I get complimented on the most is my writing.  Granted it's usually from people who love me, or at least find me somewhat amusing, so like I always do, I take it with a grain of salt, but it makes me feel better anyway.

What I never get compliments on?  Everything else.

No, I'm kidding, kinda.  The rarely leaving the house thing comes in here.  Maybe one day I"ll get out of bed and do some sit ups so I can post hot pictures like Eschelle's (Mumfection & The Little Fat Girl That Could) pinup photo.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Ten

I might be wrong about this, but I've racked my brain and ugh.....

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.

I can't think of a soul.

Everyone in my life I think has been there for a reason.  I've learned things, both good and bad through every relationship or acquaintance I've ever had.  There's no one I need to let go, and the people I might wish I didn't know I have no contact with, so it doesn't really matter.  I'm not sure if it's good or bad that I don't have an answer for today, but I just don't.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Nine

Since I'm feeling a bit better today, and because I'm finding that I've lost quite a few followers throughout my away time which makes me terribly sad, I'm going to try to catch up here a little bit.  So to get the show on the road, here we go.  Day Nine.

Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

There have actually been quite a few of these, I think another side effect of my sleeping disorder.  In some ways it's a lot like depression, or maybe it's the depression that is a side effect of the disorder, I don't know.  It's hard to force myself to do things sometimes.  Well, a lot of times.  I don't call people like I should, I mean to send cards and keep in touch and time just keeps passing and then I feel like it's ridiculous to try to regain something that's slowly slipping away.  I'm actually in that place right now with one person even as we speak.

The first was one of my best friends.  We worked together at the grocery store, were literally inseparable, and then we got married.  Had kids and had disagreements about how to best be a Mom.  She didn't understand why I couldn't drive out the hour to her house and just let Kitty sleep on the way there and back.  I was a "When it's bedtime, Kitty gets her crib" kinda Mom.  No driving around all hours of the night with her sleeping in the car seat.  Go figure huh?  A narcoleptic obsessed over her infants sleeping habits.  Oh well.  I haven't spoken to or seen her in years and some day?  I wish I'd done things differently, wish I'd kept in touch.  Other days, I'm just thinking that it's a two way street and what's meant to be will always be.

The next, oddly enough was family.  My cousin.  We grew up almost six hours apart, but with parents who can't drive it seems a lot farther.  We visited during the summers and sometimes they spent time with us during the summer.  We were like sisters until boys came along.  I guess that's no surprise.  She didn't want to leave her boyfriend of the moment to come to Richmond for a week, so we spent less and less time together.  Then we got married, had kids six months apart.  Then she went through a series of divorces, moved around a lot, things got difficult and well, now I haven't talked to or seen her in probably 10 years.

The last one?  I'm halfway trying to keep it from happening, but I think it's at the stage that it's almost inevitable.  I've mentioned that I roleplay.  For two years, I roleplayed with this person, and for two years we created one of the most intense, most realistic relationships I think you can in writing.  I devoted so much time and energy in the writing it was like an extension of myself.  I know at the time that it was something I NEEDED.  To create something that was perfect because my life had fallen apart.  No job, health sucking, no money, seemingly no hope.  When we wrote, all that disappeared and this miraculous story unfolded.  Unfortunately, people do what the need to do when they need to do it, and sometimes, it's to fill a void.  I don't know if that was the case for her, but after two years, she found other things and stopped writing.  We tried to keep in touch on facebook, and we still talk, although it's rare.  I think I still feel hurt that she walked away the way she did, even though I can't blame her for it.  I don't know, I don't want us to ever NOT be friends, but right now it just feels so distant and I miss those days when we talked every day and shared so much together.

And that my friends, is the end for now.   Another day, another truth.

Yours truly,

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Eight

One person who has made your life hell or treated you like shit.....

I'd planned on doing better here, promised I wasn't going to skip anymore days, but this one kinda threw me.  Am I saying that no one has been that "mean girl" to me?  That no one has treated me badly?  Oh no, quite the reverse actually, I'm stuck wondering who has caused me the MOST hell.  Who should be immortalized in the blogosphere for being a petty, jealous, infantile, selfish, mean spirited douchebag?

Would it be the group of kids who started the rumor that I was pregnant when I was sixteen and so naive I really didn't even know what sex was all about?

The principal who insisted I cheated on a test and made me take the whole class over again, who constantly rode me for every single little thing when there were only FIVE people in our graduating class?  The same woman who was consistently offering insults camouflaged in concern to me and my family?

Or maybe it was my BEST friend who stood by and pretended to sleep while I was raped?

The group of guys I worked with who had a $500 bet on who would get me to sleep with one of them first?

The owner of the shop where my Dad was electrocuted and died who played on the innocence and grief of me and my Mother to get out of paying us what his life was worth?

Maybe it was the human resources manager at the healthcare facility where I worked who was convinced I was mutilating myself and tried to have me committed?

Or the boss who still owes me almost $17,000 in back pay?

Maybe it's the pastor and his wife who repeatedly stabbed us in the back because of their petty jealousy?  The ones who caused my daughter to have an emotional breakdown?

Or the woman who accused me of trying to sleep with her 16 year old son because I was being a better mother to him than she could hope to be?

Ugh, I really didn't intent for this to come across as bitter because honestly?  None of them matter to me anymore at all.  Does the hurt still linger?  Mhm.  But.....I've put it behind me.  I hope anyway.  Sometimes I think I've put things behind me when in all honesty I've shoved them in the back of my mind and they come out to play when I least expect it.

What I was thinking about when I started this was something else entirely.  Look around in a bus station, a train station, an airport and what do you see?  Rarely is there anyone fighting.  More often than not, people are hugging and crying and saying their heartfelt hellos and goodbyes.  You see military families waiting impatiently for their soldier to get off that plane.  For the brother or sister or mother or father that's been gone too long to finally appear.  For the husband or wife or lover that you've missed more than you thought possible so you can feel their arms around you again.

When tragedy strikes, the cell lines jam with people checking on loved ones, hoping against hope that the person THEY love will pick up the phone and tell them everything's okay.

Go to the hospital and tell me what you see?  No one's fighting.  They're praying, hoping, pleading, rejoicing, sobbing, laughing, experience the gamut of emotions that have little to do with hatred.

I guess what I"m getting at is in the END, there's no room for hatred, or hard feelings.  There's only a certain number of days allotted to us all, and I've decided that I don't have the time or energy to waste on people who have decided they don't want or need to be in my life.   I haven't forgotten, and I'm still working on forgiving, but I'm no longer letting those people change my life.  I'm the only one who should be in charge of my life.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Seven

Since I'm still awake, this technically counts as today, as in not yesterday which technically happened about a half hour ago.  Yup.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Day Seven - Someone who has made your life worth living.

There are too many people I could say this about.

My Mom, who has always been an inspiration to me.

My Dad, who even after he was gone, always left me wanting to be more like he'd been.

My Husband who has never given up on me no matter how psycho I've gotten.

Honestly though, if I HAVE to pick one, it would have to be the one any mother would choose.

My daughter.

I've never been one to keep up with periods.  I figure they're bad enough when they come, they don't deserve to be scheduled.  The day I realized it had been a couple of months since I had one, I actually remembered the night that made me stop having them.  One of those "You're kidding me????  Really?" moments of clarity after the fact.

I had pretty much decided I didn't want to have kids.  I don't really do that well with them until they're into tattoos and piercings and talking about grown up stuff.  Not that I don't like them or anything, I've just never really been into hanging out with the wee ones.  I do okay with them when I am with them, but well, you know what I mean.

I'm not revealing anything my husband doesn't already know so don't feel bad for him.  My first thought was pure terror.  I was pregnant.

For three solid months I cried.  I was horrified.  I didn't really want to be pregnant at all.  That changed the very first time I felt that little life inside me move.  A single push against my stomach and I was in love.  My pregnancy (other than the tears) was picture perfect.  No morning sickness, no missed sleep, I only gained 19 pounds which I lost three of with the flu the week before she was born.  Eating was no problem because all I wanted was watermelon, popsicles and white grapes.  Perhaps that's WHY I only gained 19 pounds, or maybe it was because my german doctor threatened to not deliver the baby if I gained over 25, who knows.

Labor was a little bit of a different story, but I won't go into it here.

From the moment that little girl was born, she became my life.  I started striving to be a better person because I was HER mother, and I wanted to be everything that would make her proud.  What I didn't know then was that it didn't matter to her what I did for a living, what I looked like, or anything else.  She loved me for being me and that in itself was a lesson in love.

Watching her grow, seeing her mature into the beautiful young woman she is today has been worth anything to me.  She's my best friend, the coolest person I know.  Through a bout of depression that had me thinking of suicide, even though I'm pretty sure I'd never go through with it, thinking about her would draw my thoughts to better things.  Every day with her has been my own miracle.  She inspires me, motivates me, makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes every day a new adventure and I love her so damn much I can't imagine now having never had her.  Never experiencing the "uppy, uppy" or "do it again, do it again!" or "little bear's over, nappy time", never fighting with her to get rid of her pacifiers, it's all just unfathomable now.  I'm a mother.  I made a beautiful little person (with some help of course!) and in turn that little person has made me a better person.

Now with her being an adult, getting ready to graduate and start college, there's just as much to look forward to, even if it's different than the pretty little smiles over the sides of her crib.  It just goes to show that being a mother never changes, just the experiences that go along with it.  Once a mother, always a mother, and that my friends, makes every single day of my life worth living.

And now, the mandatory Mommy Pride option.  Pictures.  The Kitty Princess.



With my Grandfather, 1995
Horse Show, 1999
One of my fave pics of her ever.

And now I'm done.  Thanks for ooooh'ing and aaaaaah'ing appropriately.  :)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Two

Yesterday when I was posting, I was looking forward to today because I immediately thought it would be easier to post something I love about myself than it would something I hate about myself.  In a way that's true, it's easier to think about this, but not necessarily easier to come up with something that I'm happy about.  I suppose it says a lot about how far I've come in my life that I can come up with anything at all.

Due to some weird events as a teenager, and the experience of just being a teenager I suppose, there was a long time that I probably couldn't have found anything I love about myself.  I was this tiny, shy girl, with a beautiful head of hair, a pretty smile, and great eyes, I was nice to everyone, worked hard and yet I wasn't happy with who I was.  Or maybe I had no idea who I was, I don't know anymore.  What I do know is that I'm happy that's all changed, that no matter if I was petite and pretty back then, it wasn't worth anything because I couldn't see it for myself.  I was pretty on the inside, but my insecurities never allowed me to see past what I thought I saw in the mirror to see that beauty beneath.

In that aspect, aging is a wonderful thing.  So, here we go.....

Day Two - Something You Love About Yourself.


I love that I've found the self confidence that I lacked for so long.

I love that I smile at everything, even though I find little funny enough to actually laugh out loud.

I love that it's easy for me to talk to smile at complete strangers and start up conversations.

I love that I'm a mother even though I never planned to be.

I love that I can wear flip flops now even though I hate my toes.

I love that animals are attracted to me because I've always believed that animals can see the truth in people.

I love that I look at the bright side of everything, even when things aren't going well.

I love that my first instinct is to trust people even though it's not always the best thing to do.

I love that I'm a mystery sometimes even to people who know me well.

I love that my last words to my Dad were "I love you".

I love that I've got so many characters who live inside my head.  They make it easy to create, and easy to escape into other worlds when I need to.

I love that people are drawn to me, even if it's just to talk about their problems, it lets me know that I've got something inside that I can offer the world.

And finally, I love that I love being me, at last.






Today is also the last day you'll be reading posts from me until next week.  My best friend is coming in from New York tomorrow and we're picking her up at Penn Station in Baltimore for a week long visit!  Yay!

I've got a ton of fantabulous guest posters lined up to post for me while I'm gone and I can't wait to read those posts when I get back!

I still need to hear from a few of you about your posts, I've added everyone I've got e-mails for to the list of approved authors so you can post straight from my account, I'd like to get this all finalized today if possible since I'm not sure how much time I'll have in the morning before I have to leave to make the two hour drive to Baltimore.

Thanks again for everyone who volunteered, I'm super excited about this and I hope you'll all enjoy posting and I hope you as readers will enjoy the change from my usual randomness!  I'll pick up the Thirty Days of Truth when I'm back to posting on a regular schedule.  Thanks so much to all of you guys who stop by and read and leave love, you make my days brighter and the best gift in the world is a smile and those you give me in spades!  Much love!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day One

Okay so this should be an interesting endeavor for me.  I kinda hate that I'm going to miss that one week, but I promise I'll make it up, this is how I wanted to start the new year and I've been looking forward to it for too long to postpone it just so I can do every day in order.

The first day is:  Something you hate about yourself.

Well.

What a way to start.

I hate that I try to be everything to everyone.  It's a guaranteed way to make you feel like you're not good enough.  When you've got family and friends, and especially a job too, there's NO way to be what everyone needs when they need it.  If you try, someone is going to suffer and feel let down.  I'm not sure what the answer to this one is actually, I'm still working it out the best I can.

I really hate this sleeping disorder.  I guess that doesn't really belong here in some ways, but in so many others it does.  Yes, it's a physical condition, but I can't help but feel like it's my fault somehow that I can't just force myself to stay awake.  I've heard all the things people say about me, that I'm lazy, that it's in my head, that I could stay up if I put myself on a schedule and stuck to it, that it's ridiculous that anyone sleeps so much, the list goes on and on.  Fact is?  I really can't help it.  Sure I can MAKE myself stay awake, but I pay for it.  I'm tired every minute of every day of my life and I hate that.  I really, truly hate it.  I feel cheated.  Robbed of what should be life and instead is not much more than a series of naps.

I hate how I feel about getting old.  I remember when I was in middle school thinking that my Mom was ancient, and now I'm older than she was.  I would really like to be able to reconcile those thoughts.  I'm so much more self confident now than I was when I WAS young and pretty, and that shows through, I know.  I get more compliments now than I did then, but there's just something about knowing that my hair is dyed and I use make up and beauty products to battle the signs of aging that makes me feel like an imposter.

I hate that I've let other people dictate parts of my life in the past.  I can't go back and get those years to do over and I know now I would have done things differently.

I know it's odd, but I hate that I'm so nice sometimes.  I'd like to be bitchy sometimes and just say No.  If for no other reason I'd be almost $17,000 richer right now if I had.  Long story that, one for another day.

I hate that I didn't take more pictures when I was pregnant.  I felt fat and ugly but now I wish I had more of those photographs of the months when I created the most wonderful child I know.

I hate that I spent so much time when I was younger worrying about what other people thought of me and being "safe".

I hate that I didn't get to spend those years with my Dad when he wasn't at home.  The few months I had back before he died weren't long enough.

I hate that I've let people I care about slip away from me.

I hate that I put my trust in people who didn't deserve it and wound up being hurt.  It caused me to build some pretty impressive walls around myself and I'm pretty sure I've kept people out who could have been good friends because I was afraid to trust again.

I hate that I didn't laugh easily for so long because I thought my smile was too big.

I know there's probably more in there somewhere, but I think this is enough for today.

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