Thirty Days of Truth - Day Nine

Since I'm feeling a bit better today, and because I'm finding that I've lost quite a few followers throughout my away time which makes me terribly sad, I'm going to try to catch up here a little bit.  So to get the show on the road, here we go.  Day Nine.

Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

There have actually been quite a few of these, I think another side effect of my sleeping disorder.  In some ways it's a lot like depression, or maybe it's the depression that is a side effect of the disorder, I don't know.  It's hard to force myself to do things sometimes.  Well, a lot of times.  I don't call people like I should, I mean to send cards and keep in touch and time just keeps passing and then I feel like it's ridiculous to try to regain something that's slowly slipping away.  I'm actually in that place right now with one person even as we speak.

The first was one of my best friends.  We worked together at the grocery store, were literally inseparable, and then we got married.  Had kids and had disagreements about how to best be a Mom.  She didn't understand why I couldn't drive out the hour to her house and just let Kitty sleep on the way there and back.  I was a "When it's bedtime, Kitty gets her crib" kinda Mom.  No driving around all hours of the night with her sleeping in the car seat.  Go figure huh?  A narcoleptic obsessed over her infants sleeping habits.  Oh well.  I haven't spoken to or seen her in years and some day?  I wish I'd done things differently, wish I'd kept in touch.  Other days, I'm just thinking that it's a two way street and what's meant to be will always be.

The next, oddly enough was family.  My cousin.  We grew up almost six hours apart, but with parents who can't drive it seems a lot farther.  We visited during the summers and sometimes they spent time with us during the summer.  We were like sisters until boys came along.  I guess that's no surprise.  She didn't want to leave her boyfriend of the moment to come to Richmond for a week, so we spent less and less time together.  Then we got married, had kids six months apart.  Then she went through a series of divorces, moved around a lot, things got difficult and well, now I haven't talked to or seen her in probably 10 years.

The last one?  I'm halfway trying to keep it from happening, but I think it's at the stage that it's almost inevitable.  I've mentioned that I roleplay.  For two years, I roleplayed with this person, and for two years we created one of the most intense, most realistic relationships I think you can in writing.  I devoted so much time and energy in the writing it was like an extension of myself.  I know at the time that it was something I NEEDED.  To create something that was perfect because my life had fallen apart.  No job, health sucking, no money, seemingly no hope.  When we wrote, all that disappeared and this miraculous story unfolded.  Unfortunately, people do what the need to do when they need to do it, and sometimes, it's to fill a void.  I don't know if that was the case for her, but after two years, she found other things and stopped writing.  We tried to keep in touch on facebook, and we still talk, although it's rare.  I think I still feel hurt that she walked away the way she did, even though I can't blame her for it.  I don't know, I don't want us to ever NOT be friends, but right now it just feels so distant and I miss those days when we talked every day and shared so much together.

And that my friends, is the end for now.   Another day, another truth.

Yours truly,

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Seven

Since I'm still awake, this technically counts as today, as in not yesterday which technically happened about a half hour ago.  Yup.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Day Seven - Someone who has made your life worth living.

There are too many people I could say this about.

My Mom, who has always been an inspiration to me.

My Dad, who even after he was gone, always left me wanting to be more like he'd been.

My Husband who has never given up on me no matter how psycho I've gotten.

Honestly though, if I HAVE to pick one, it would have to be the one any mother would choose.

My daughter.

I've never been one to keep up with periods.  I figure they're bad enough when they come, they don't deserve to be scheduled.  The day I realized it had been a couple of months since I had one, I actually remembered the night that made me stop having them.  One of those "You're kidding me????  Really?" moments of clarity after the fact.

I had pretty much decided I didn't want to have kids.  I don't really do that well with them until they're into tattoos and piercings and talking about grown up stuff.  Not that I don't like them or anything, I've just never really been into hanging out with the wee ones.  I do okay with them when I am with them, but well, you know what I mean.

I'm not revealing anything my husband doesn't already know so don't feel bad for him.  My first thought was pure terror.  I was pregnant.

For three solid months I cried.  I was horrified.  I didn't really want to be pregnant at all.  That changed the very first time I felt that little life inside me move.  A single push against my stomach and I was in love.  My pregnancy (other than the tears) was picture perfect.  No morning sickness, no missed sleep, I only gained 19 pounds which I lost three of with the flu the week before she was born.  Eating was no problem because all I wanted was watermelon, popsicles and white grapes.  Perhaps that's WHY I only gained 19 pounds, or maybe it was because my german doctor threatened to not deliver the baby if I gained over 25, who knows.

Labor was a little bit of a different story, but I won't go into it here.

From the moment that little girl was born, she became my life.  I started striving to be a better person because I was HER mother, and I wanted to be everything that would make her proud.  What I didn't know then was that it didn't matter to her what I did for a living, what I looked like, or anything else.  She loved me for being me and that in itself was a lesson in love.

Watching her grow, seeing her mature into the beautiful young woman she is today has been worth anything to me.  She's my best friend, the coolest person I know.  Through a bout of depression that had me thinking of suicide, even though I'm pretty sure I'd never go through with it, thinking about her would draw my thoughts to better things.  Every day with her has been my own miracle.  She inspires me, motivates me, makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes every day a new adventure and I love her so damn much I can't imagine now having never had her.  Never experiencing the "uppy, uppy" or "do it again, do it again!" or "little bear's over, nappy time", never fighting with her to get rid of her pacifiers, it's all just unfathomable now.  I'm a mother.  I made a beautiful little person (with some help of course!) and in turn that little person has made me a better person.

Now with her being an adult, getting ready to graduate and start college, there's just as much to look forward to, even if it's different than the pretty little smiles over the sides of her crib.  It just goes to show that being a mother never changes, just the experiences that go along with it.  Once a mother, always a mother, and that my friends, makes every single day of my life worth living.

And now, the mandatory Mommy Pride option.  Pictures.  The Kitty Princess.

With my Grandfather, 1995

Horse Show, 1999

One of my fave pics of her ever.

And now I'm done.  Thanks for ooooh'ing and aaaaaah'ing appropriately.  :)

Question of the Day! The Worlds' End?

Another great question by Aubrie Anne, a fellow Webooker and new friend!


If you knew for certain that the world would truly end in just over a year, what would you do with the rest of your life?


Now, how's that for a wake up thought huh?

Actually I've been thinking about this for a few days, so I think I'm ready.  There are SO many things I've wanted to do all my life, and without having to worry about the future, the first thing I would do is sell my house and buy a REALLY nice RV.  I'd probably pile the cats in it too, even if I had to sneak them in so the hubby wouldn't know they were there.  There are only so many things you can walk away from and I'd worry that whoever bought the house wouldn't feed them.  Enough about that though....meow!


I'd of course keep the excess money from the house for things like airline tickets.  After all, an RV, even the best ones won't get you across oceans.


With family in tow, and hubby driving (since that's what he DOES) we'd of course see all the sights here in the good 'ol US before jumping ship, or ahem...plane.  Of course ships are awesome too, I think a two week cruise to Alaska would be fantabulous, as long as we don't get one of those weird illnesses that ships have become famous for, or well a fire breaks out and we're stranded in the middle of the ocean for days.  Hm.  Maybe a plane would be better.  I'd make sure my daughter saw as much of the world as she could, which would ensure a visit to Croatia since she has some odd fixation with that country for reasons I have yet to figure out.


Places I would HAVE to see:


Grand Canyon
Yellowstone
Rodeo Drive
Seattle
Key West
Giant Redwoods
Alaska
The Midwest (and a tornado!)
New York City (again but for longer)
New Orleans
Oh and I'd spend at least two weeks at Oak Haven Resort in Tennessee!  Gorgeous!
Denver (to see the Colorado Avalanche play hockey!)


I'm sure there are other places I'd wind up, but those are the ones that popped into my head first.


I'd go bungee jumping, parasailing, sky diving, mountain climbing, snowboarding, BASE jumping (at the Cave of Swallows of course), and basically find any and every extreme adventure I could to get involved in.  I'd probably have everything pierced that I could get, and get covered with tattoos, one from every place I visited to remind me of the adventure.


I'd love to see Ireland and Scotland especially, although there are TONS of other places I'd like to visit as well.  Russia, Germany, would love to go back to England, Sweden might be off limits as I'd most likely stalk Peter Forsberg and be either incarcerated or evicted as a result.


I'd rob a bank and spend all the money to take food and toys to kids overseas who don't know what either are, and spend the rest of the year running from the cops.


All in all I'd be an angel and a devil rolled into one, and suck out every single adventure I could find so I can honestly say when it's all over that I did it all.


Thanks again AubrieAnne the Fantabulous over at Who's Your Editor for the questions, this is FUN!  More answers to come tomorrow!

The Finale! Happy Thanksgiving!

November 25 - It's that time.  I've been writing in another post, adding each day what I'm thankful for, and so far it's full of randomness and small things for which I am grateful.   Since today is the big day, I'm writing a stand alone post for the token Thanksgiving thoughts and thanks. 

First of all, I'm thankful for my husband.  We've had our problems, sure, but any relationship worth having will have problems.  What can you say about a man who knows all the bad sides of you and not only loves you anyway, but understands, or does his best to understand.  After 21 years he still tells me I'm beautiful.  Still wants to hold my hand when we go out.  I'm still the person he'd most spend time with.  For all that and so much more, he has all my love.

I'm thankful for my daughter.  Who knew that 18 years ago I was giving birth to my best friend.  She's given me hope when life has been at its darkest, laughter when I wanted only to cry, and so much more.  I can't say how proud I am to be her Mother, how happy it makes me to see her growing into a beautiful woman and knowing that I had some small part in making her who she is.  

I'm thankful for my mom and stepdad.  Losing a parent is never easy, but my stepdad has come as close as any man could to giving me back a parent.  The two of them are always there for me, for our family, they've done without to help me when I needed help, and they've provided financial, emotional, spiritual and mental support for me more times than I can count.  I couldn't ask for better parents, except maybe if they actually decided that tatoos and piercings were cool.

I'm thankful to God that He has seen us through the past four years, that every time it seemed like the rope was gone, He added a little more for us to hang onto.  I never expected him to solve all our problems and there have been times that I've been furious at Him.  Wanted to curse and scream and keep asking why we were going through all this.  But I trust that He has the answers and one day they'll all become clear.

I'm thankful for the men and women in our military, some of who are celebrating without their family and loved ones so that I can sit here, safe in my house, and write this blog.

Finally, and oddly enough, I'm thankful to all the people who hurt me, who mistreated me, who didn't believe in me, who spread lies about me, who went out of their way to ensure that my life wouldn't wander down the primrose path untouched.  They've all made me who I am today, and I've never been more proud to be me.  I've proven that I'm stronger than I knew, smarter than I thought,  more resourceful than I'd imagined.  I'm thankful that I didn't stoop to their levels to get revenge, and in so doing perhaps have been instrumental in helping them understand that being hateful and envious doesn't do anything but make you a bitter person.

There are so many other things I have to be thankful for, in spite of the situation our family has been living for the past few years, but suffice it to say that I'm here, I'm still kicking, I can still find joy in almost every day, and that alone is enough for me.

So with that, I wrap up my list of Thanksgiving thoughts, and wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving, or Happy Thursday, whichever you might be celebrating today.

To read my random thanks posts for the rest of the month, clickie here!

Quality Time

Everyone talks about it.  Psychologists spend hours on it.  People dream about it.  But what is it really?  What is this thing everyone calls quality time?  

Wikipedia has this to say about it:

Quality time is an informal reference to time spent with loved ones (e.g., close family, partners or friends) which is in some way important, special, productive or profitable. It is time that is set aside for paying full and undivided attention to the person/matter at hand. It may also refer to time spent performing some favored activity (e.g., a hobby or packing suitcases to move across the world with loved ones). The opportunity to experience quality time, or the actual time available to enjoy quality time is often limited. However, this is outweighed by the importance, intensity or value attached to events or interactions which occur during quality time. Quality time therefore has a degree of emotional or social "quality" which other aspects of personal life may lack.  Busy parents may also use the term to justify the limited amount of overall time they spend with their children.

In terms of critique, it is occasionally pointed out that true quality time with children cannot be rigidly scheduled, but that “quality moments” can happen if there are sufficient opportunities for sharing time and adults adapt to their children's needs and interests.^[1] On the other hand, putting time with children into their schedules is a way in which parents can make a commitment that time together is a priority in their lives.^[2]

Leaves a lot of room for interpretation doesn't it?

It seems like everyones lives are so busy these days.  Work, school, housework or yard work, homework, errands, church and religious outings, hobbies, sports, extended family, community events, the list goes on and on.  How do you find that elusive quality time with the people you love?  Husbands and wives are just as busy as their spouses, working longer hours to make up for the vanishing security of a good economy.

Teens are working earlier and earlier in their lives and then juggling their own lives of school, home, work and friends or girlfriends and boyfriends.

I know there are times when it feels like I only see my daughter in passing.  This year has been easier since she loaded up on classes her junior year and has a much lighter schedule this year, but then comes the need to work.  She was filling out an application today and put 1 p.m. until 10 p.m. as her available hours weekdays and any for the weekends.  Does that mean the end of our quality time together?

I hope not, but I'm scared.  It seems like she grew up overnight.  I can clearly remember her sitting on my lap watching the other kids hunt easter eggs, and watching her run around with blonde braids streaming out behind her playing soccer.  I remember her holding onto my finger for an hour at night because she wouldn't go to sleep unless her little fingers were wrapped around mine.  I'd try to slip it free and she'd know immediately and just clutch it that much tighter.

I've watched her grow up into a beautiful young woman and I hate to think that I'm going to lose those little quality moments we've learned to share.  Thinking back on my relationship with my own Mother, I know it's going to happen eventually and I know I won't begrudge her having her own life.  That's what kids do.  They grow up and start their own lives.  I know her though and I know I'm silly to be scared.  We're like two halves of a whole in a lot of ways.  We think the same, we feel the same, a lot of times we can finish each other's sentences.  That's how I know she'll never be too far away, but man, the day to day things?  Those I'm going to miss.

Driving home from school and her saying "mailbox" and me saying "tree".  Long story that, but the Cliff's note version is a mailbox with no house and a tree that is nearly horizontal.  Seeing the weird person sitting on the side of the road with a shirt and underwear, barefooted, staring at nothing and spitting out "Dad's team" at the same time.  Going over the Delia's catalog and telling her I like something before I realize she put a star beside it.  Playing God of War and hearing her say "You Are Dead" a million times to make up for all the times I said it to her.  Chasing stray kittens across the yard until we finally manage to catch one.  Walking her bunny rabbit.  Painting random things around the house.  Talking about boys, God, life, responsibility and things that suck.  Exchanging "favorite words".  The list goes on and on and all those moments?  They are all quality moments with my daughter.

They might not be scheduled, but that's the beauty of them.  They're as random as rainbows after a rainstorm or seeing a cardinal on your windowsill.  Maybe the fact that they're not scheduled, or structured, or formal is what makes them quality.  Does sitting down at the dinner table every night qualify?  Or maybe attending the same Christmas play every year?  Sure.  They're just not the same as those magical little moments that aren't planned but stolen for a life that's too busy for us all.

So what is quality time and how do you find it?  That's up to you, but I'd look in the places you least expect and then wonder at how perfect those moments are when they surprise you.

Thanksgiving - What are you thankful for?

Facebook is full of people listing in their status messages all the things that they're thankful for each day.  I'm not all that big on status updates, I barely keep up with the few I do post and my daughter and I have come to an agreement that when you add someone on Facebook, you suddenly learn more about them than you ever thought possible.  Still though, I've always looked at Thanksgiving as more than the Turkey and fixins.  Granted, I absolutely love fixing the big dinner, I love the formality of linens and matching china and silver, the floral arrangements and candles on the table and the delicate serving bowls glistening in the light.  I love having my family gathered around the table talking and enjoying each other's company.  Life is so busy that I think a lot of people lose out on that family time.

So with that said, although I'm a bit behind, I'm going to do the thankful thing here.  I'll make up for lost time and post the first days of the month and come back and edit the post each day to add the current day.  Comment and tell me what you're thankful for too!

November 1 - I'm thankful that I woke up to see another November.

November 2 - I'm thankful that my daughter got to vote for the first time today and that we got to spend the day together.

November 3 - I'm thankful for the beautiful pictures we took at the park and that I was able to do her senior portraits myself so she could actually have some done.

November 4 - I'm thankful for being able to go outside and enjoy the fresh air.

November 5 - I'm thankful that it's Friday and I got a text from my daughter on her date to let me know she loves me.

November 6 - I'm thankful for waking up to sunshine.

November 7 - I'm thankful that I have a family who puts up with me being sick and grumpy.

November 8 - I'm thankful for clean sheets.

November 9 - I'm thankful for the light at the end of the tunnel.

November 10 - I'm thankful that I've got the time and ability to write.

November 11 - I'm thankful for my old classic car with the sunroof and a great radio.

November 12 - I'm thankful for flannel sheets.

November 13 - I'm thankful for hot chocolate.

November 14 - I'm thankful for people who know me and still like me.

November 15 - I'm thankful for Bath & Body Works

November 16 - I'm thankful for Christmas lights that make everything pretty no matter where you put them.

November 17 - I'm thankful that some people still care enough to bother.

November 18 - I'm thankful for my husband's expense checks.

November 19 - I'm thankful for friends with guitar and vocal skills.

November 20 - I'm thankful for lazy weekends.

November 21 - I'm thankful for Michael Pitt

November 22 - I'm thankful that my husband takes my daughter to school at the crack of dawn.

November 23 - I'm thankful for school holidays.

November 24 - I'm thankful for parents who understand and care about me.