When Friends Really Need You - Please Read!

On April 2, 2011, one of my best friends in the world had her life changed forever.
Michelle has always been full of life, keeping busy, being a mother, an ex-wife, a girlfriend, a career woman, a friend, a sister, a daughter, the whole nine.  Just a week before April 2, she got married to the love of her life.  They had a small wedding but it was beautiful.  Michelle wore a red dress and looked like a million bucks.
A week later, she and her brand new husband when four wheeling.  Her day ended in the hospital.  Her four wheeler flipped and broke her spine.  She's now paralyzed from the waist down and the doctors say she'll never walk again.
If you're wondering why I haven't posted about this before now, I'll tell you why.
Me and Michelle are pretty much just alike.  We're stubborn, headstrong and mean when we need to be.  We both refuse to ask for help from anyone unless we absolutely have to and then we hate it.  Strong to us has equaled total independence.  Not needing anyone.
I know a lot of you will say something about that, and I've tried to do better, but it's hard.  It's like for people who are like that it's not a decision, it's hard-wired into the brain and it's not easy to just change, no matter how silly you sometimes realize it is to be that way.  We all need help sometimes, right?
Well, I've barely talked to Michelle since all this happened because I know her.
She did exactly what I knew she'd do.  She shut down and internalized, all the while trying to be everything to everyone like she's always done.  She pushed herself to go back to work after only three months.  She forces herself to get up and get dressed and do what needs to be done, even when she doesn't feel like it.
She's got two boys of her own and three stepchildren now.  
She's struggling now.  Emotionally, mentally, and of course physically.
How is it fair that she can't feel anything in her legs except pain.  Burning.  Pins and needles. Constant pain.
She refuses to take pain medications that will make her a zombie, because it's Michelle, she's got things to do.  
We finally talked today.  I told her how much I loved her and she told me the same.  We just know.  We don't have to talk every day or every week or even every month to know.  We know each other well enough to know that we'll always be there for each other when we really NEED it.  
After talking to her though, I realized that there's more I can do.  I've got resources.  I've got people who come hear and read, people who follow me on Twitter and you've all got friends and people.  Right now her medical bills are over a million bucks.  You and I both know she'll never get that paid off.  That's after the insurance payments have been made.  The financial strain is adding up on top of the other issues she's dealing with.  So....I'm asking because I can ask for people I love even when I can't for myself.
I've never put a donate button on my blog, but I think this warrants one.  I'll keep the button on my blog and I'll add it to every post I write from now on.  If you can't afford to donate, it's all cool, just say a little prayer for her and maybe tell a friend about this post and drive some traffic my way.  If you can donate, well I'd appreciate it more than you know.  Michelle would too.
I haven't told her about this post and I won't until I've got some money to give her.  I'm pretty sure she'll be okay with this, but like I said she's stubborn, and it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission right?
If you're willing, please post a blog for us, linking to this post so we can get the word out and maybe get donations that I wouldn't get without your help.  Your help would mean the world to me and to Michelle too!

Support Michelle Fundraiser

I should rename my blog.....FAIL blog.

Well, here I am again, after another near two months of being gone.  I'm thinking this isn't working so well.  Thanks to everyone that still keeps me in their feed even though nothing's been showing up.  It seems like just when I decide to do better, all hell breaks loose.

I'm sitting here on the couch in the dark for the most part, watching my daughter sleep.  She broke up with the bad boyfriend today.  She knew it needed to be done, but it breaks my heart to see her hurting and she is.  Regardless of what he's done to her, she loves him as a person if not a soulmate and it's hurting her to see him crying and begging for her to change her mind. 

I'm peripherally involved in a solicitation to commit murder case, and by peripherally, I mean being close to the person currently in prison being held without bond.  It's a nasty mess and I'm terrified it's going to end even worse than I'd hoped which will impact the life of someone I love dearly in a way I'm not sure she can come to terms with.

We survived prom and the Kitty Princess' graduation from high school.  She's been accepted into VCU Arts which is a major accomplishment, so now all that's left is to get her driving at last so she doesn't have to get dropped off at college like a kindergartener on her first day.  That'd be funny in an odd kind of way.

There's hope out there, and trust me I'm not complaining, things could be so much worse, some of YOU are going through things so much worse, but as much as I love my blog, my heart just isn't in it right now.  I hope that will change soon, or even later, as long as it changes.  Until then, I guess I'll be randomly missing for random unknown lengths of time, just wanted to pop in and write a little bit for those of you I haven't talked to in ages.  I feel like singing the wolfpack song.  "You're the ten best friends that anyone could have, you're the ten best friends that anyone could have."  I think just that statement sums up my pathetic state of mind at the moment huh?  Laaaaaaame.  ;)

Hope everyone is having a great summer, I think maybe tomorrow I'll finally try to find the energy to level out a spot for my pool and try to get it filled up so me and the Kitty Princess can spend a few lazy days floating around staring up at the sky and just being besties.  I love that.

If I'm gone too long, will you still remember me?

It's been three months now.  I never intended to be gone so long, and I'm not sure exactly why I have been.  I've thought about it, worried about it, stressed about it, but in the end, I can't apologize because I have no excuse really. 

I know I've mentioned before the whole "getting overwhelmed" thing and I know that has something to do with it.  It seems like with every year that passes, my focus and concentration slips a little more.  I'm sure it has something to do with age, but I'm REALLY missing the Ritalin and Adderall too.  I mean reeeeeally missing them.  I haven't written a word in three months.  Not here, not a novel, not poetry, nothing.  The last time I was here, I made a vow to myself that I'd catch up on everything.  Told myself I'd go back and read everything, would reply to all my comments, post awards that some lovely people had given me, the whole nine yards, but......

I was seriously overwhelmed.   There were so many great comments, so many things I wanted to read that I let it get too big in my head, and when that happens, it's like trying to vacuum at a landfill.  You don't know where to start and know it'll never get done, so you put it on the back burner.  Procrastinate.  Promise you'll do it later.  Three months later.  Give or take.

It's been the same here with life I guess.  So much has been going on I feel totally incapable of dealing with it all sometimes.  When my disability was approved (at last) we finally had some money to do the stuff we've been needing to do for the past five years.  The house needed some work done, the yard needed a LOT done, there were bills to catch up, things I'd been putting off for my daughter because we just couldn't afford it.  She's 18 and still doesn't have her drivers license because we couldn't afford to add her to our insurance.  Her fees for school were past due and we'd gotten the letter "pay or she doesn't graduate".  We were waiting for her to find out if she'd been accepted at the college she applied to, and it went on and on and on.

Finally, maybe, just maybe, the disability award was some kind of psychological vidication for me.  I've been sleeping about 20 hours a day.  I'm sure that it has something to do with it.  Years and years of people thinking the worst of me, and me pushing myself to be and do what people thought I should be doing, and finally I've got something that says "SEE?  I was serious, I DO have a sleeping disorder!" 

Anyway, I've decided the only way I can come back and be like I used to be is to put the past in the past.  I'm sorry if anyone has felt like I've let you down or disappointed you, sorry if anyone has been upset that I haven't stopped by or posted, I love you all, you've all been so good to me, so positive and uplifting and such wonderful friends, that I hope that's not the case.  I'm going to make a real effort to make this blog what it used to be, to pick up where I left off and yes, to update everyone with what I have been up to the past three months. 

I'm anxious to find out what everyone else has been up to as well, and I think I'm going to be a little less strict on myself.  I'm starting slow, it's summer and I've got my wonderful family to spend quality time with, walks to take, pools to lounge beside, shopping to be done, cookouts to have, friends to visit, and cats, oh yes, lots and lots of cats to find homes for now.  It was a cold, cold, cold winter apparently and I've got sixteen little bundles of cute as a freaking button to show for it.

I hope you'll still remember me, hope you'll stop by and say hi every now and again, and know that I didn't stop thinking about you guys at all.

Dear So and So....

So I was hopping around this morning as usual and found a link to 3 Bedroom Bungalow where she's doing a sort of hop with a neat little twist.  Figured it would be the perfect way to end the year and wrap up my first calendar year of blogging as well.  Go check her out and join in, this was too much fun!

Dear 2010,

You were okay, but I'm really hoping next year is nicer.  No offense.

Dear Mornings,

I still don't like you and I'm sure that's not going to change anytime soon.  Even though you've got the whole sunrise thing going, I much prefer your twin, evening and his sunsets are to die for.

Dear Hubs,

Hang in there baby, I love you and things are going to start turning around for us soon, you're an amazing person and I have every confidence in you to be here for me and Kitty, to be the loving, wonderful man you are and to keep us going just like we've done for the past two decades.  When things get bad just remember this.  "Somewhere out there....beneath the pale moonlight, someone's thinking of me, and loving me tonight."

Dear Kitty,

Wow, I guess what I  most need to say is that I trust you to make the right decisions in your life.  Even when I think you're not, I'm going to have faith in you and your intelligence and wisdom.  I'll still be here no matter what, and I'll do my best to support you in your decisions, but in the end?  I'm Mom and no matter what they are, I'll always love you and I'll always be here to either celebrate your happiness or just hold you if you need to cry.

Dear Kitten Cats,

I would very much appreciate it if you did not make more kitten cats this year.  I'll do whatever I have to so be forewarned.  If you wake up with parts missing, I warned you.

Dear Mortgage Company,

You suck.  You will NOT take my house.  I promise you that.  After 17 years I'm attached to it and I'll do whatever it takes to keep it out of your grubby little greedy hands so take that for what it's worth.  A promise.

Dear Kitty's Boyfriend,

I try to like you, but it's not working.  Maybe if you treated my little girl the way I think she should be treated we could come to some kind of mutual understanding.  She's not a trophy for you.  She's not some girl you can treat however you want.  She's special and loving and considerate and you need to see that and appreciate that about her instead of finding things that aren't exactly how you want them to be.

Dear Mom and Goumpa,

I love you guys.  Dearly.  Just so you know.  There aren't words.

Dear Inlaws,

We may not always agree and there are times that I don't understand you at all, but thank you for giving me my husband, for being supportive when you have been, and for welcoming us in your home.

Dear Body,

We have this love hate relationship going on and I'd really like to work on the more love, less hate thing.  We can start with the shoulders and knees if you don't mind.  I'd like them back please.  Oh and if you decided you didn't need quite so much sleep that'd be okay too.  Oh and while we're here you can stop with the aging stuff.  Enough already.

Dear House,

I know you'll never be self cleaning as much as I'd love that, but would it hurt to not attract quite so much kitten cat furs?  Or maybe offer some kind of repellent to guide them towards litterboxes instead of the little throw rug they've christened their own?  I'd also like it if you'd make some kind of policy for the applicances. Washers, hot water heaters, refrigerators?  You know all those things that make puddles when they decide to play dirty?  The puddles that ruin my kitchen floor that I don't have money to replace and the insurance company gets concerned when things keep happening because we can't pay the deductible to get them fixed to begin with?  That'd be real nice.  Please and thank you.  Oh and I know I said I wouldn't complain about it being cold after the air conditioner went nuts and stopped working last summer, so just disregard those complaints please and if the ac unit asked?  You didn't hear a word.

Dear Durango,

I love you.  You've been the one constant in the sea of stuff breaking, busting, leaking, spraying and costing me too much money to replace.  I appreciate that and I love you for it.  Remember what I said though, if I win the lottery, I'm keeping you.  That's true love and I hope you'll continue to reciprocate.

Dear Bed,

I don't have to tell you how much I love you because we spend so much time together.  Not that I don't love it, but you know, I'd like some me time now and then.  If you don't mind.

Dear Novels,

Too bad you're not like my child and grow as fast as she has.  I think I'd like to see you grow, in spite of the headaches you give me from time to time.  I promise I'll spend more time with you this year and when we're done, we'll go out looking for a new home for you.  One with lots of other novels around you to keep you company until people start taking you home to live with them instead.

Dear Disability Office,

It's been a while now.  Not real sure how you guys expect people to live when they're not working and can't work, so a little "arriva" would be the order of the day.  I've done everything you've asked and I've been real nice about it, so let's get a move on shall we?

Dear Bill Collectors,

We meet again.  See Dear Disability Letter above.  One day we'll get this all worked out.

Dear Blog,

I love you.  I'm looking forward to our time together next year.

And finally, Dear Readers,

It's been such a wonderful experience traveling down this road with you all.  What started and sputtered into life has grown to a passion that I enjoy and that I hope you do too.  I've had so much fun discovering new friends, learning more about you guys and what makes you the wonderful people you are, and I'm looking forward to discovering more and more of you next year.  I hope you will all have a happy and blessed new year, that you'll find happiness in every moment of every day and that smiles with surround you.

Happy New Year!

Have Yourselves a Merry Little Christmas

Only thirteen more days until Christmas.  It seems strange that as kids we look forward to Christmas Day all year long, and as adults this is the one time of year that we find smiles come a little easier, goodwill a little more quickly.  The lights, the gifts, yes, even the shopping and decorating and everything we consider work seems to be a little bit easier to find joy in doing.  The Spirit of Christmas for a few short weeks is alive and glowing and making us all better people.

Since I've started blogging, I've found the most amazing group of people.  People who unselfishly take time from their day to read about and comment on the lives and interests of others.  People who take the time to create ways for us to explore new avenues of expression.  When I first started my blog, I wrote a few articles, and quickly got depressed because I wasn't sure how to find people interested in reading what I wrote.  If no one reads your writing, it's still writing, it's still therapeutic, but part of the link remains broken.  AubrieAnne helped me find interest in starting to write again, to once more devote my time to my blog and for that I am eternally grateful.  Her inspiration came at a time when I was willing to try again, maybe harder this time.

Then I discovered For the Love of Blogs.  One little hop and I discovered a world that was out there, a world of people who feel some of the same things I do, struggle with the same obstacles I struggle with, suffer the same disappointments and fears, and most of all find joy and happiness in much of the same things.  Through making that one little decision to follow that page, I've been immersed in so much love and caring and genuine happiness that it's hard to put into words.

Since from time to time words fail even me (I know, shocking) I'll make an attempt to put my wishes for you to paper or keyboard as the case may be in the only way I know how.  Broken, random, but sincere.  I wish that each of you, my friends whom I've never met but love dearly nonetheless, a Christmas filled with:

The love you give doubled when it returns to you.

Trust that you will never be alone.

The ability to see beauty in everything around you and in your own mirror.

Joy in the simple things so easily taken for granted.

The pleasure from a warm cup of tea or coffee and a moment of time to call your own.

Smiles to light your day and make everything seem possible.

Hope for the future.

Memories for the past.

Happiness in the present.

The warmth of caring for others.

The solitude of getting lost in a good book.

An unforgettable moment with a best friend.

A movie that makes you cry.

An unexpected moment that makes you laugh.

A moment of clarity where you can see forever.

The ability to reconcile a past so you won't have any regrets.

A view that takes your breath away.

The caress of snow on your cheeks.

The warmth of the sun on your toes.

The blessing of knowing you are loved.

Enough pain to know pleasure.

Enough tears to know joy.

Enough sadness to appreciate happiness.

The sparkle of moonlight on the water.

The glimmer of frost on the windows.

Glowing light from a candle.

The velvety darkness of  a starlit sky.

The comforting crackling of a warm fire.

And finally, the health, happiness, love, joy, and wonder to experience the desires of your heart not only during Christmas, but every day, by keeping the spirit of the holidays alive in your heart throughout the year.

Share your Christmas wishes for your friends here, and make sure you stop by and say thank you.  For the opportunity to express your appreciation not only for her, but for all your friends, no matter how far apart they are, the friends who share their lives and loves and hopes with you through their blogs and their writings.

I hope you all have the most wonderful Holiday Season ever.  Thank you for sharing with me, for accepting me into your lives even if it's only through a little space on the web.  You are all loved.

Photobucket Me

Okay so today is a random day.  At least so far.  Here's the random for the day.

This is me.  Via Photobucket.

AND FINALLY, MY MANTRA