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Saturday, May 7, 2011

If I'm gone too long, will you still remember me?

It's been three months now.  I never intended to be gone so long, and I'm not sure exactly why I have been.  I've thought about it, worried about it, stressed about it, but in the end, I can't apologize because I have no excuse really. 

I know I've mentioned before the whole "getting overwhelmed" thing and I know that has something to do with it.  It seems like with every year that passes, my focus and concentration slips a little more.  I'm sure it has something to do with age, but I'm REALLY missing the Ritalin and Adderall too.  I mean reeeeeally missing them.  I haven't written a word in three months.  Not here, not a novel, not poetry, nothing.  The last time I was here, I made a vow to myself that I'd catch up on everything.  Told myself I'd go back and read everything, would reply to all my comments, post awards that some lovely people had given me, the whole nine yards, but......

I was seriously overwhelmed.   There were so many great comments, so many things I wanted to read that I let it get too big in my head, and when that happens, it's like trying to vacuum at a landfill.  You don't know where to start and know it'll never get done, so you put it on the back burner.  Procrastinate.  Promise you'll do it later.  Three months later.  Give or take.

It's been the same here with life I guess.  So much has been going on I feel totally incapable of dealing with it all sometimes.  When my disability was approved (at last) we finally had some money to do the stuff we've been needing to do for the past five years.  The house needed some work done, the yard needed a LOT done, there were bills to catch up, things I'd been putting off for my daughter because we just couldn't afford it.  She's 18 and still doesn't have her drivers license because we couldn't afford to add her to our insurance.  Her fees for school were past due and we'd gotten the letter "pay or she doesn't graduate".  We were waiting for her to find out if she'd been accepted at the college she applied to, and it went on and on and on.

Finally, maybe, just maybe, the disability award was some kind of psychological vidication for me.  I've been sleeping about 20 hours a day.  I'm sure that it has something to do with it.  Years and years of people thinking the worst of me, and me pushing myself to be and do what people thought I should be doing, and finally I've got something that says "SEE?  I was serious, I DO have a sleeping disorder!" 

Anyway, I've decided the only way I can come back and be like I used to be is to put the past in the past.  I'm sorry if anyone has felt like I've let you down or disappointed you, sorry if anyone has been upset that I haven't stopped by or posted, I love you all, you've all been so good to me, so positive and uplifting and such wonderful friends, that I hope that's not the case.  I'm going to make a real effort to make this blog what it used to be, to pick up where I left off and yes, to update everyone with what I have been up to the past three months. 

I'm anxious to find out what everyone else has been up to as well, and I think I'm going to be a little less strict on myself.  I'm starting slow, it's summer and I've got my wonderful family to spend quality time with, walks to take, pools to lounge beside, shopping to be done, cookouts to have, friends to visit, and cats, oh yes, lots and lots of cats to find homes for now.  It was a cold, cold, cold winter apparently and I've got sixteen little bundles of cute as a freaking button to show for it.

I hope you'll still remember me, hope you'll stop by and say hi every now and again, and know that I didn't stop thinking about you guys at all.
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