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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Thirteen

I was prepared to write a letter to Three Days Grace, or Rascal Flatts, but then it hit me, although it's been a long time, I needed to write the letter to Mark Hall of Casting Crowns.  I was in church my entire life until about four years ago and haven't been since.  That doesn't mean God isn't real to me or that I don't still spend time thinking about my relationship with him.

Dear Mark,

It's been a long time since I really listened to your music.  I have to admit I've gone astray, into the music of other genres.  Three Days Grace, Buckcherry, Aerosmith, Flogging Molly, The Cure, The Black Crowes, Better than Ezra, etc.  Actually when I got ready to start this letter, it was going to be to Adam Gontier of Three Days Grace, but then I remembered sitting in the car in the WaWa parking lot, listening to your first cd, a song called Praise You In This Storm.  By the time Kevin got back to the car, I was crying like crazy.  I don't remember ever being moved like I was by that song.  Maybe it was just that time in my life, but for months I listened to that cd over and over again, and every single track, and I do mean EVERY track meant something to me.

When we started our youth group at church, we named them The Voice of Truth after yet another song on that album.  I've still got tee shirts with the name and logo on them even though it's a distant memory now.  The group, the church, and the kids.  That cd helped get me through what I can only describe as hell.  A time in my life that I truly felt like everything was falling apart, a time when I wondered if I'd make it out the same person I was when it started.

Thank you for being there when I needed you, for writing the music that may have literally saved my sanity if not my life.  I used to tell everyone I ran into about you and your music, the story behind how Casting Crowns came to be, such an inspirational story to be true, but I have to apologize that it's been a long long time since I've had the heart to listen again.  Today marks the first day in a long time, and I think now I'll be coming back to you, so thanks again.


Saturday, February 26, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Eleven & Twelve

I'm going to lie and say I'm putting these together simply because it works instead of admitting that I couldn't for the life of me remember which day was which after I JUST read them to find out what I"m posting today.

All about compliments.

What do I get complimented most on, and what no one ever compliments me on.

This is kinda difficult because usually you can find me in my jammies with my cow slippers on holed up in the house like the crazy cat lady that I am.  Needless to say I'm not famous enough for the paparazzi to be camped out on my deck so they can snap pictures of the newest pj pant design, or write articles about the sorry state of my cow slippers of late.  They're old, you can't blame them for the parts that are supposed to be inside the slipper finding their way to the outside, or for the fact that their ears look more like Yoda than a cow these days. No one has found the need to mention that my roots are more gray then red, or that my makeup isn't quite up to par.

As you guys have drummed into me, at my whining prompt I might add, is that I'm a writer.  Until I've reached the best seller list, pretty sure no one cares what I look like and by then, I might decide to write under a pseudonym and use Brian's (nuclearheadache & the encyclopedia of counted sheep) picture for the back cover.

With that said, the thing I get complimented on the most is my writing.  Granted it's usually from people who love me, or at least find me somewhat amusing, so like I always do, I take it with a grain of salt, but it makes me feel better anyway.

What I never get compliments on?  Everything else.

No, I'm kidding, kinda.  The rarely leaving the house thing comes in here.  Maybe one day I"ll get out of bed and do some sit ups so I can post hot pictures like Eschelle's (Mumfection & The Little Fat Girl That Could) pinup photo.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Ten

I might be wrong about this, but I've racked my brain and ugh.....

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.

I can't think of a soul.

Everyone in my life I think has been there for a reason.  I've learned things, both good and bad through every relationship or acquaintance I've ever had.  There's no one I need to let go, and the people I might wish I didn't know I have no contact with, so it doesn't really matter.  I'm not sure if it's good or bad that I don't have an answer for today, but I just don't.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Nine

Since I'm feeling a bit better today, and because I'm finding that I've lost quite a few followers throughout my away time which makes me terribly sad, I'm going to try to catch up here a little bit.  So to get the show on the road, here we go.  Day Nine.

Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

There have actually been quite a few of these, I think another side effect of my sleeping disorder.  In some ways it's a lot like depression, or maybe it's the depression that is a side effect of the disorder, I don't know.  It's hard to force myself to do things sometimes.  Well, a lot of times.  I don't call people like I should, I mean to send cards and keep in touch and time just keeps passing and then I feel like it's ridiculous to try to regain something that's slowly slipping away.  I'm actually in that place right now with one person even as we speak.

The first was one of my best friends.  We worked together at the grocery store, were literally inseparable, and then we got married.  Had kids and had disagreements about how to best be a Mom.  She didn't understand why I couldn't drive out the hour to her house and just let Kitty sleep on the way there and back.  I was a "When it's bedtime, Kitty gets her crib" kinda Mom.  No driving around all hours of the night with her sleeping in the car seat.  Go figure huh?  A narcoleptic obsessed over her infants sleeping habits.  Oh well.  I haven't spoken to or seen her in years and some day?  I wish I'd done things differently, wish I'd kept in touch.  Other days, I'm just thinking that it's a two way street and what's meant to be will always be.

The next, oddly enough was family.  My cousin.  We grew up almost six hours apart, but with parents who can't drive it seems a lot farther.  We visited during the summers and sometimes they spent time with us during the summer.  We were like sisters until boys came along.  I guess that's no surprise.  She didn't want to leave her boyfriend of the moment to come to Richmond for a week, so we spent less and less time together.  Then we got married, had kids six months apart.  Then she went through a series of divorces, moved around a lot, things got difficult and well, now I haven't talked to or seen her in probably 10 years.

The last one?  I'm halfway trying to keep it from happening, but I think it's at the stage that it's almost inevitable.  I've mentioned that I roleplay.  For two years, I roleplayed with this person, and for two years we created one of the most intense, most realistic relationships I think you can in writing.  I devoted so much time and energy in the writing it was like an extension of myself.  I know at the time that it was something I NEEDED.  To create something that was perfect because my life had fallen apart.  No job, health sucking, no money, seemingly no hope.  When we wrote, all that disappeared and this miraculous story unfolded.  Unfortunately, people do what the need to do when they need to do it, and sometimes, it's to fill a void.  I don't know if that was the case for her, but after two years, she found other things and stopped writing.  We tried to keep in touch on facebook, and we still talk, although it's rare.  I think I still feel hurt that she walked away the way she did, even though I can't blame her for it.  I don't know, I don't want us to ever NOT be friends, but right now it just feels so distant and I miss those days when we talked every day and shared so much together.

And that my friends, is the end for now.   Another day, another truth.

Yours truly,

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Eight

One person who has made your life hell or treated you like shit.....

I'd planned on doing better here, promised I wasn't going to skip anymore days, but this one kinda threw me.  Am I saying that no one has been that "mean girl" to me?  That no one has treated me badly?  Oh no, quite the reverse actually, I'm stuck wondering who has caused me the MOST hell.  Who should be immortalized in the blogosphere for being a petty, jealous, infantile, selfish, mean spirited douchebag?

Would it be the group of kids who started the rumor that I was pregnant when I was sixteen and so naive I really didn't even know what sex was all about?

The principal who insisted I cheated on a test and made me take the whole class over again, who constantly rode me for every single little thing when there were only FIVE people in our graduating class?  The same woman who was consistently offering insults camouflaged in concern to me and my family?

Or maybe it was my BEST friend who stood by and pretended to sleep while I was raped?

The group of guys I worked with who had a $500 bet on who would get me to sleep with one of them first?

The owner of the shop where my Dad was electrocuted and died who played on the innocence and grief of me and my Mother to get out of paying us what his life was worth?

Maybe it was the human resources manager at the healthcare facility where I worked who was convinced I was mutilating myself and tried to have me committed?

Or the boss who still owes me almost $17,000 in back pay?

Maybe it's the pastor and his wife who repeatedly stabbed us in the back because of their petty jealousy?  The ones who caused my daughter to have an emotional breakdown?

Or the woman who accused me of trying to sleep with her 16 year old son because I was being a better mother to him than she could hope to be?

Ugh, I really didn't intent for this to come across as bitter because honestly?  None of them matter to me anymore at all.  Does the hurt still linger?  Mhm.  But.....I've put it behind me.  I hope anyway.  Sometimes I think I've put things behind me when in all honesty I've shoved them in the back of my mind and they come out to play when I least expect it.

What I was thinking about when I started this was something else entirely.  Look around in a bus station, a train station, an airport and what do you see?  Rarely is there anyone fighting.  More often than not, people are hugging and crying and saying their heartfelt hellos and goodbyes.  You see military families waiting impatiently for their soldier to get off that plane.  For the brother or sister or mother or father that's been gone too long to finally appear.  For the husband or wife or lover that you've missed more than you thought possible so you can feel their arms around you again.

When tragedy strikes, the cell lines jam with people checking on loved ones, hoping against hope that the person THEY love will pick up the phone and tell them everything's okay.

Go to the hospital and tell me what you see?  No one's fighting.  They're praying, hoping, pleading, rejoicing, sobbing, laughing, experience the gamut of emotions that have little to do with hatred.

I guess what I"m getting at is in the END, there's no room for hatred, or hard feelings.  There's only a certain number of days allotted to us all, and I've decided that I don't have the time or energy to waste on people who have decided they don't want or need to be in my life.   I haven't forgotten, and I'm still working on forgiving, but I'm no longer letting those people change my life.  I'm the only one who should be in charge of my life.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Seven

Since I'm still awake, this technically counts as today, as in not yesterday which technically happened about a half hour ago.  Yup.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Day Seven - Someone who has made your life worth living.

There are too many people I could say this about.

My Mom, who has always been an inspiration to me.

My Dad, who even after he was gone, always left me wanting to be more like he'd been.

My Husband who has never given up on me no matter how psycho I've gotten.

Honestly though, if I HAVE to pick one, it would have to be the one any mother would choose.

My daughter.

I've never been one to keep up with periods.  I figure they're bad enough when they come, they don't deserve to be scheduled.  The day I realized it had been a couple of months since I had one, I actually remembered the night that made me stop having them.  One of those "You're kidding me????  Really?" moments of clarity after the fact.

I had pretty much decided I didn't want to have kids.  I don't really do that well with them until they're into tattoos and piercings and talking about grown up stuff.  Not that I don't like them or anything, I've just never really been into hanging out with the wee ones.  I do okay with them when I am with them, but well, you know what I mean.

I'm not revealing anything my husband doesn't already know so don't feel bad for him.  My first thought was pure terror.  I was pregnant.

For three solid months I cried.  I was horrified.  I didn't really want to be pregnant at all.  That changed the very first time I felt that little life inside me move.  A single push against my stomach and I was in love.  My pregnancy (other than the tears) was picture perfect.  No morning sickness, no missed sleep, I only gained 19 pounds which I lost three of with the flu the week before she was born.  Eating was no problem because all I wanted was watermelon, popsicles and white grapes.  Perhaps that's WHY I only gained 19 pounds, or maybe it was because my german doctor threatened to not deliver the baby if I gained over 25, who knows.

Labor was a little bit of a different story, but I won't go into it here.

From the moment that little girl was born, she became my life.  I started striving to be a better person because I was HER mother, and I wanted to be everything that would make her proud.  What I didn't know then was that it didn't matter to her what I did for a living, what I looked like, or anything else.  She loved me for being me and that in itself was a lesson in love.

Watching her grow, seeing her mature into the beautiful young woman she is today has been worth anything to me.  She's my best friend, the coolest person I know.  Through a bout of depression that had me thinking of suicide, even though I'm pretty sure I'd never go through with it, thinking about her would draw my thoughts to better things.  Every day with her has been my own miracle.  She inspires me, motivates me, makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes every day a new adventure and I love her so damn much I can't imagine now having never had her.  Never experiencing the "uppy, uppy" or "do it again, do it again!" or "little bear's over, nappy time", never fighting with her to get rid of her pacifiers, it's all just unfathomable now.  I'm a mother.  I made a beautiful little person (with some help of course!) and in turn that little person has made me a better person.

Now with her being an adult, getting ready to graduate and start college, there's just as much to look forward to, even if it's different than the pretty little smiles over the sides of her crib.  It just goes to show that being a mother never changes, just the experiences that go along with it.  Once a mother, always a mother, and that my friends, makes every single day of my life worth living.

And now, the mandatory Mommy Pride option.  Pictures.  The Kitty Princess.

With my Grandfather, 1995
Horse Show, 1999
One of my fave pics of her ever.

And now I'm done.  Thanks for ooooh'ing and aaaaaah'ing appropriately.  :)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Six

I've missed a lot of days, but I don't really feel like I'll be doing any of us any favors by trying to make them all up, instead I'm getting back into the routine and will hopefully this time post once a day until we're done!  I love this project, even the hard ones because it's always important to look inside every once in a while.  It gets to the point when we get so busy with our lives, taking care of families, or jobs, or whatever we do on a daily basis, that we forget to invest time in ourselves.  So, with that said here we go.

Day Six - Name something you hope you never have to do.

I think this will probably be the same for most everyone.  Having lost my Father at a very young age, I remember vividly how hard it was, how hard it still is sometimes.  Some days I miss him so much I still break down in tears just thinking about him.  Little things will remind me of times we spent together.  Things like a pair of white jeans make me recall what I was wearing the last time I saw him, driving by 7-11 makes me remember the long bike rides we used to take when he'd stop and get me a slurpee on the way home.  Hardees brings to mind the times we all walked to the grocery store as a family and he used to let me ride on his shoulders.  I keep a photograph of him on my coffee table, and every time I see it, it just hurts that he missed so much of my life.  He never got to see his granddaughter, wasn't at my wedding, didn't see me graduate from college, or get my first full time job.

I think you all see where I'm going with this.  My mom remarried a year after I got married and my stepdad is an amazing man.  He's the closest I'll ever come to my father, and I love him with all my heart.  I have another family with him, a different one, but he's as much family as if we shared blood.  I hope that I never have to go through losing someone so close to me again, never having to say goodbye to a parent or a member of my family, never have to make another cemetery a ritual visit.  I know it's not realistic, we can't all live forever, but if I could hope for anything at all that I never had to do again, that would be it.

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