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Saturday, May 7, 2011

If I'm gone too long, will you still remember me?

It's been three months now.  I never intended to be gone so long, and I'm not sure exactly why I have been.  I've thought about it, worried about it, stressed about it, but in the end, I can't apologize because I have no excuse really. 

I know I've mentioned before the whole "getting overwhelmed" thing and I know that has something to do with it.  It seems like with every year that passes, my focus and concentration slips a little more.  I'm sure it has something to do with age, but I'm REALLY missing the Ritalin and Adderall too.  I mean reeeeeally missing them.  I haven't written a word in three months.  Not here, not a novel, not poetry, nothing.  The last time I was here, I made a vow to myself that I'd catch up on everything.  Told myself I'd go back and read everything, would reply to all my comments, post awards that some lovely people had given me, the whole nine yards, but......

I was seriously overwhelmed.   There were so many great comments, so many things I wanted to read that I let it get too big in my head, and when that happens, it's like trying to vacuum at a landfill.  You don't know where to start and know it'll never get done, so you put it on the back burner.  Procrastinate.  Promise you'll do it later.  Three months later.  Give or take.

It's been the same here with life I guess.  So much has been going on I feel totally incapable of dealing with it all sometimes.  When my disability was approved (at last) we finally had some money to do the stuff we've been needing to do for the past five years.  The house needed some work done, the yard needed a LOT done, there were bills to catch up, things I'd been putting off for my daughter because we just couldn't afford it.  She's 18 and still doesn't have her drivers license because we couldn't afford to add her to our insurance.  Her fees for school were past due and we'd gotten the letter "pay or she doesn't graduate".  We were waiting for her to find out if she'd been accepted at the college she applied to, and it went on and on and on.

Finally, maybe, just maybe, the disability award was some kind of psychological vidication for me.  I've been sleeping about 20 hours a day.  I'm sure that it has something to do with it.  Years and years of people thinking the worst of me, and me pushing myself to be and do what people thought I should be doing, and finally I've got something that says "SEE?  I was serious, I DO have a sleeping disorder!" 

Anyway, I've decided the only way I can come back and be like I used to be is to put the past in the past.  I'm sorry if anyone has felt like I've let you down or disappointed you, sorry if anyone has been upset that I haven't stopped by or posted, I love you all, you've all been so good to me, so positive and uplifting and such wonderful friends, that I hope that's not the case.  I'm going to make a real effort to make this blog what it used to be, to pick up where I left off and yes, to update everyone with what I have been up to the past three months. 

I'm anxious to find out what everyone else has been up to as well, and I think I'm going to be a little less strict on myself.  I'm starting slow, it's summer and I've got my wonderful family to spend quality time with, walks to take, pools to lounge beside, shopping to be done, cookouts to have, friends to visit, and cats, oh yes, lots and lots of cats to find homes for now.  It was a cold, cold, cold winter apparently and I've got sixteen little bundles of cute as a freaking button to show for it.

I hope you'll still remember me, hope you'll stop by and say hi every now and again, and know that I didn't stop thinking about you guys at all.


Bryan M. White said...

Welcome back. I've been a little worried. You disappeared so abruptly. A lot has changed. I got remarried to a snapping turtle, and I now post exclusively in Mandarin. The orange, that is. I don't know how to speak the language.

angie on maui said...

Hi Donna! I've been thinking about you the last few months, wondering how you are doing and what you've been up to. It's so nice to see a post from you! You should know that you never need to apologize for needing to step back and take a break if you're feeling overwhelmed. Blogging should never feel like a chore; it is supposed to be a fun and creative outlet.

And for what it's worth, you can Write Now or Write Later, and we'll still be here to read. :)


Ixy said...

So glad to hear from you Donna! I've missed you but happy you took the time you needed :)

I don't know about you, but my blog is supposed to be fun. It's not a business. So if you're not up to posting and commenting for awhile, or just really busy, well that's life.

Welcome back!!

singedwingangel said...

Sweetie we all understand life happens. I am so glad your disability came through, it sucks that we have to fight for it when we obviously need it and I see others getting it that simply knew how to play the system. Take care of you we are still here

DawnZhang said...

I remember you and miss you Donna. I disappeared too for sometimes but its alright. Everybody goes through these phases, not to worry. I will always remember you. Love ya.


Anonymous said...

I know how you feel about being overwhelmed! I think just about every quarter I've been in college, I've felt that about all my assignments! The problem with being in college is that you can't put stuff off for too long - you have to do them all and turn them in in order to get the grades to pass the class, move on up, and eventually graduate. But every single time, I always just want to put it all off for months and months.

As with all bloggers who take a major hiatus, I just figured you got busy with life. Glad to see I was right :) Welcome back to the blogging world!

Eschelle said...

I have been wondering where you got too on my feed!! But now that I hunted you down once more I shall be your first encouraging force.

everyone takes time off, I took two months not too long ago... though mine was cause i moved and had no internet for a long while. You're allowed to stop writing, you're allowed to chill. You deserve it! You, like myself and many of us, are having some tougher times, somedays more so than others but you know what I mean.

Hubby has been out of work for a long time, same with me. I've started doing childcare again out of my home to pick up some of the bills. My depression seems to be seasonal so as long as the sun keeps up i'l have a smile on my face. Things are tight... hard... but divine all at once.

I hope you keep writing, i hope you keep us updated I do deeply enjoy reading you :) xoxoxo all my love from my family and I!

AubrieAnne said...

Hey Donna! I've been gone to, finishing up school and what not, and it's been hard to get back in the swing of things :). But, I am happy to see you are doing ok and that your blog it still here! Miss you!

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