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Saturday, January 1, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day One

Okay so this should be an interesting endeavor for me.  I kinda hate that I'm going to miss that one week, but I promise I'll make it up, this is how I wanted to start the new year and I've been looking forward to it for too long to postpone it just so I can do every day in order.

The first day is:  Something you hate about yourself.


What a way to start.

I hate that I try to be everything to everyone.  It's a guaranteed way to make you feel like you're not good enough.  When you've got family and friends, and especially a job too, there's NO way to be what everyone needs when they need it.  If you try, someone is going to suffer and feel let down.  I'm not sure what the answer to this one is actually, I'm still working it out the best I can.

I really hate this sleeping disorder.  I guess that doesn't really belong here in some ways, but in so many others it does.  Yes, it's a physical condition, but I can't help but feel like it's my fault somehow that I can't just force myself to stay awake.  I've heard all the things people say about me, that I'm lazy, that it's in my head, that I could stay up if I put myself on a schedule and stuck to it, that it's ridiculous that anyone sleeps so much, the list goes on and on.  Fact is?  I really can't help it.  Sure I can MAKE myself stay awake, but I pay for it.  I'm tired every minute of every day of my life and I hate that.  I really, truly hate it.  I feel cheated.  Robbed of what should be life and instead is not much more than a series of naps.

I hate how I feel about getting old.  I remember when I was in middle school thinking that my Mom was ancient, and now I'm older than she was.  I would really like to be able to reconcile those thoughts.  I'm so much more self confident now than I was when I WAS young and pretty, and that shows through, I know.  I get more compliments now than I did then, but there's just something about knowing that my hair is dyed and I use make up and beauty products to battle the signs of aging that makes me feel like an imposter.

I hate that I've let other people dictate parts of my life in the past.  I can't go back and get those years to do over and I know now I would have done things differently.

I know it's odd, but I hate that I'm so nice sometimes.  I'd like to be bitchy sometimes and just say No.  If for no other reason I'd be almost $17,000 richer right now if I had.  Long story that, one for another day.

I hate that I didn't take more pictures when I was pregnant.  I felt fat and ugly but now I wish I had more of those photographs of the months when I created the most wonderful child I know.

I hate that I spent so much time when I was younger worrying about what other people thought of me and being "safe".

I hate that I didn't get to spend those years with my Dad when he wasn't at home.  The few months I had back before he died weren't long enough.

I hate that I've let people I care about slip away from me.

I hate that I put my trust in people who didn't deserve it and wound up being hurt.  It caused me to build some pretty impressive walls around myself and I'm pretty sure I've kept people out who could have been good friends because I was afraid to trust again.

I hate that I didn't laugh easily for so long because I thought my smile was too big.

I know there's probably more in there somewhere, but I think this is enough for today.


angie on maui said...

This is such an interesting concept; I've wanted to do since I read Kate's version over on her blog.

Do you find that it is hard to use the word "hate"? It seems so overbearing, and as much as I can understand that we all have things we dislike about ourselves, I also feel like they are all eye-openers and things we can learn why hate it? The cool thing I noticed while reading your post is that in almost everything you listed, you also have this amazing way of coming full circle; in the sense that you have such a clear perspective of then and now...and you're much wiser because of it. And for the record, a big smile is beautiful. :) I hope you are smiling more these days.

I'm looking forward to reading the rest of your truths - it's a great way to learn more about you, new friend!

Happy New Year.

nuclearheadache said...

Geez, when you said "narcoleptic" in your profile, I thought I was reading that wrong. Serves me write for not reading more of your archived posts.

Can't wait to here that $17,000.00 story.

DocKev said...

Maybe I will get knocked for this comment. I understand why you feel quilty about trying to be what everyone needs. But as I've said before, you can't and the only one you REALLY need to worry about is Kitty. Sure, I'm in there somewhere for selfish reasons, but at the end of the day.. KITTY. The fact that you let others who have NO IDEA what you go through with your sleeping disorder gets under my skin. My parents, your mom, and all the others? Screw them and what they think. They aren't living it are they? The last thing I will say here, since the rest would be more priviate, is that you were NOT fat when you were pregnant. You gained less than 20 lbs. OHMYGOD YOU FATTY. But I'm glad you wish you had more pictures, but we can treasure what we have.

I know I know, I should not be saying all these things yet again, like a broken record. But sometimes when I feel like you're putting yourself down, it irritates me. Maybe I better not read the other days of truth huh?

Donna said...

@ Angie - Thanks hon, yeah, I don't really like using the word, it's too strong for anything but the woman I do hate (another long story) and a few people who did some pretty harsh psychological damage to my daughter. Other than that, I rarely use it. I was trying to play by the rules though! :) And yeah, I do smile a LOT more, for the most part I don't care what people think about how I look or stuff like that, my only real issue is still the whole trying to be everything for everyone, and that's when I care if people think I'm doing what I should or not, but I'm working on that too!

@NH Yeeeeeah, I use narcolepsy as a catch-all, it's actually ideopathic hypersomnia which is the name they have to give it because I don't get the leg tremors or hallucinations that true narcoleptics get, other than that, same thing, different name. I can and sometimes do sleep up to 18 hours a day. On the positive side, I'll probably live to be 190, if that's a positive. The juries still out on that one.

@Hubs - Well, to be honest, I had to think on this one. It's the day of truth right? This was the first one. Wasn't one I would have picked but it was there and you know me and challenges. Look at Angie's comment and remember that I'm turning them around, understand myself better now so is it really things I hate? Maybe, maybe not!

singedwingangel said...

I started this last year and got to day 21 I know bad me I need to finish it. Trust me this one is a whole lot easier then some of them.. It gets rather hard . I think you have done an awesome job with dealing with what you have.. I cannot imagine dealing with the sleeping disorder I would feel just as angry as I was missing so much.

ixy said...

I really enjoyed reading this post and am going to try out the 30 days as well. Pregnancy wasn't a shining moment of beauty for me either (not that daily life is now either haha!), and I also wish I'd taken more pics, hideous or not.

It must be maddening to have people criticize the way your life is affected by your sleep disorder, when there's no way they could possibly understand. I've found one nice thing about getting older is that each year I care less what others think. So flash your biggest smile and squeeze the juice out of life while you are awake :)

Eschelle said...

This was a really great post i loved it.

we love you, just as you are. :D

Ashley said...

This is an interesting concept. You seem like a wonderful person, hopefully the things you love list is even longer. Xo

Kyria said...

This is a great post! I haven't actually heard of this 30 days of truth project but am looking forward to seeing what else there is! It is a great way for new followers to get to know you!

Also, as for photo taking, I ALWAYS wish I had more; I never wish I had less! I always kick myself when I get lazy and don't take enough pictures...

PS. I came over from FTLOB today and have actually visited your site before. I like your story and your writing style! Keep it up!

Heather said...

Kudos to you on starting to write your book, I am sure it will be lovely! I love the 30 days of truth idea but lately I don't have much time to blog and with January being such a difficult month it is just another task I would add to a list of things I wanted to do and failed at doing so. But I look forward to reading your other posts! Hugs:)

Danni Meyers said...

Oh! I need to restart mine or at least finish my 30 Days. I found that some of the questions left me thinking for a few days before I could actually answer them. I hope that you realize that even though you hate those things about yourself that they are in your past and that if you get a chance to rectify them in the future do so. :) Cute blog by the way lady and I am stopping by from FTLOB comment sunday hop. said...

I've come from the comment love hop today and been sitting here for a while just thinking about what you have written. It's very easy to associate with what you have written. It's strange how much we all hate about ourselves and yet so many people seem to be able to like themselves. I'd be writing pages and pages if let loose on this task. I found your post extremely well written and I shall definitely be back to see what you write next.

Splendiferous Girls said...

This was an awesome post...SO much I related to...I have been burned by women and put so much thought into it that I to wound up throwing up walls ( I call it the Berlin wall) to just not get burned or hurt again..I am your newest follower via sunday blog hop...look forward to more reading. Happy New Year.

shah wharton said...

I never herd of this either - how much truth can there be? Thirty days? Wow!

I understand your hating your disorder. I hate my bipolar disorder. Its caused me soooo much pain. I cried at a the end of this post actually - although its that time of the month and I'd cry at an advert right now ;) - but this was a truly touching peice. Cyber cuddles! Shah X

Sherri said...

I really really enjoyed this post. I found it to be beautiful, honest & open. I so appreciate that, thank-u:) Sherri

Kate said...

Hi Donna! I love that you're doing this. Believe me I know it's hard but I enjoyed every truth that I had to deal with. I felt so much better at the end of it all. Hate was the hardest post and you made it. You're strong Donna, very strong :)

Koco & Viking said...

Following via Make Love Monday blog hop! Would love for you to stop by and check us out!

Happy 2011!!!

Your newest friends,
koco & viking

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