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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Thirty Days of Truth - Day Three

I knew going into this that there would be things that I wasn't quite sure I was ready to share with the public.  It's actually been good that my break came when it did, because it gave me a chance to work things through in my head.  I'm not sure how many people in my life know about what I'm about to write about, so you're finding out before a lot of my friends and family as well.

Day Three - Something you have to forgive yourself for.


I've lost track of the time, years, dates, etc. but when I was in my early twenties I was dating this guy off and on. I was attracted to him, but he was considerably younger than I was so I really didn't commit to a relationship with him for that reason.  While we were going out, he decided he was going to join the Marines.  We wrote during the eight weeks of boot camp, kept in touch, and he came home and found out he was being stationed at Virginia Beach.  We're only about an hour, maybe hour and a half from there and me and my best friend at the time often went to the beach for the day.

I don't remember how the plans came together, but my girlfriend and I went down to the beach for the weekend so that I could visit this guy off base.  We had a good night, went out, ate, walked the boardwalk and that's when things went off plan.

I learned very quickly that even after eight weeks in the Marines, a short time really, people change.  The sweet young guy I used to know had changed.  Something I didn't find out until it was too late.  My girlfriend pretended to be asleep while I was raped.  I don't remember what happened after that, I think I was in shock, I don't remember him leaving, don't remember falling asleep, but I woke up in the hotel room with blood staining my bed and my girlfriend asleep in the other bed.  I'd been a virgin before that.

I didn't talk to him anymore after that.  Pretty sure he knew I didn't want to see him.

I shoved it all into the back of my mind and went on with my life.

For a while.

I found out I was pregnant at five months.  I was naive, didn't keep up with my periods because I'd never had to.  Time passed and I got to thinking it had been a while.  Hoping that it was just because what had happened because it'd be impossible to get pregnant from just one time like that right?  The first time especially.  I don't remember crying, or planning, or anything.  I remember going to some friends to borrow the money for an abortion.  I remember scheduling it under an alias.  I remember laying there and for some reason, the doctor who did the procedure telling me it had been a girl.  WHY?  Why would he tell me that?

I might have been okay if he hadn't.  Probably not though.  I'd always been against abortion, but our church, well, my Mom was seriously involved in church and I was scared.  I had no real friends to talk to about it, I didn't want to talk to my girlfriend who I was pretty sure knew what was happening and hadn't done anything to stop it.  I figured since I'd been raped it would be okay.  I didn't want to have HIS baby.  I didn't want anything to do with him, or anything to tie me to him.  So I did it.

I still wake up in the middle of the night hearing a baby crying sometimes.  I dream about her all the time.

And I don't know that I'll ever forgive myself, or if I even want to.

16 comments:

Kate said...

Dear sweet Donna,

It takes so much courage for someone to share this. I can only imagine what you went through and the wondering what life would be like if you had made a different choice. But you can't do that. You have a beautiful life, family and friends and every choice you made at anytime was what was best for you. My sister sadly was raped about 7 years ago and I know it's something she's worked really hard to get past. I"m sure it'll be haunting always as for you. Be proud of who you are and where you are in life. You're such an amazing soul, Donna! I mean it :)

Love,
kate

Eschelle said...

my sweet love, my heart is broken. I wish you no more pain and I hope you will find that forgiveness and peace.
As a rape victim I can say i would have done the same thing, I think. Even with my standings against abortion as well. I would want no ties either.

Just love, love fixes all wounds to love everything you do, and all the people who surround you.

Ashley said...

Donna, you are so brave to put this out there. I just want to say that you should definitely forgive yourself. That was awful of the dr to tell you because it just made it harder for you but I believe that things happen for a reason and you made the decision you did and it made your life what it is. I'm sorry you are haunted by it, maybe talking about it more will bring you some peace? Big hugs! xo

Donna said...

Thanks so much you guys. This was the one thing I knew would come up when I decided to do the thirty days, and in many ways I've come to terms with it, in others, not so much. In a way I think I owe it to myself to remember, to refuse myself forgiveness, I don't know....it makes sense when I think about it that way, kind of a memorial of sorts. It's grown to be something that is as much a part of me as anything else and isn't nearly as painful as you might think. More melancholy than anything else. I do see HIM from time to time, he knows what happened and amazing can't understand why I don't have anything to say to him.

Becca Puglisi said...

Donna, I'm so proud to have been a witness to your story. You were brave enough to share this, so I believe you're also strong enough to forgive yourself and come to grips with your past. Know that God loves you, has always loved you, and will always love you.

singedwingangel said...

First let me say how proud I am of you for admitting it all. Second let me tell you that God has forgiven you a long time ago. I think you need to find a video by a pastor named Jesse Duplantis. It is called Close encounters of the God kind. In it he deals with the issue of abortion and God's heart. Sending you HUGE HUGE hugs and wishing I could let you know that it will be okay.

Robin said...

I hope that by putting this out there you can let it go. Holding it inside only hurts you. It so hard to forgive ourselves. Harding than forgiving others, but so necessary. Something horrible happened to you and it seems like you have managed to release the fury for your rapist and "friend" who allowed it to happen. That is a good thing, by the way, because holding onto that bitter pill isn't good. Now it is just a matter of accepting that you made the best choice you could at the time. You were a kid. Forgive yourself. Aborting the baby of the jackass who raped you... I can't even give him the title of "guy" (sorry)... that is an appropriate response to the situation. If you were six or seven years older, you might have handled it differently, but you weren't. Think about what you would say to a young girl who told you that story. You would tell her to forgive herself. And it is great advice. You would also tell her that she will very likely meet someone and have a family of her own when she is ready. I hope that pulling this out and dusting it off means that you can throw it out. I love mental house cleaning.

AubrieAnne said...

My heart and soul reaches out to you, dear lady. I am so sorry you were even put in that position in the first place. I know people who have been through similar experiences and it was their own strength and the undying support of the ones who loved them that got them through it. I don't believe things like this ever leave you, but hopefully they find peace somewhere inside you. Sending my love!

angie on maui said...

Donna, sweetie. I'm so sorry you had to go through such a terrible ordeal - on so many levels. This is understandably a painful topic, but I think you are amazing in your bravery of putting this out there for the world to see. I hope that writing about your experience is therapeutic for you...and I am certain that your words will resonate with someone reading this, who might have gone through a similar situation.

Please be gentle with yourself and with your feelings. You cannot blame yourself for the choice(s) you made so many years ago. Thank you again, for sharing your story with us.

Much love,
xoxo
Angie

DawnZhang said...

You are strong Donna. I know the feeling. It takes so much courage to be like you. Forget the past and learn to move on. You now have a caring and lovely family and you need to talk to something I am just a message away. Don't blame yourself for things that happened a long long time ago. Its good you have let it out. You have used this page to vent out your worries and I hope it brought you some kind of relief.

Take care Angel and know that I love you!
xoxo

Matt Dimitroff said...

I've been waiting for you to come back so that I could gift this to you: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_DbM3kMndtSg/TSfzAny97AI/AAAAAAAAAM0/Mmkn_oX_67A/s1600/versatile_blogger_award.jpg

You're supposed to answer 10 questions (which I have altered from the initial 10 because they involved feminine product) and pass it along to 7 subscribers who you feel also deserve it, but I'm not going to force that upon you. If you want to see the original 10 queues, here's the original post at Aubrie's blog: http://whosyoureditor.blogspot.com/2011/01/versatile-blogger-award.html

Also, be sure to link back to me in your appropriate post!

Sorry for not responding directly to the topic. I promise that I will read it later today!

No. 7 said...

Well, first of all my new friend...you showed great courage in your choice and now, in sharing your painful ordeal. This isn't likely to win me many fans in Blogland, but I chose to have an abortion when I was 21 - for reasons that perhaps I'll discuss some other time... This is your story.
Write it out and let try to let the pain go, Donna. God is a forgiving being full of love and patience. The baby isn't suffering anywhere and is probably happily enjoying his or her life all over again. I'm a firm believer that we all choose our lives, the people who we spend it with and how we will live. Souls move in and out of the world every moment of every day.
As for the doctor, his bedside manner was not quite up to par for the area of medicine that he chose to practice. Blessings to you, friend and a great big hug.

Kat said...

WOW...that's really all I know that I can say. You're so brave...and honest...and just WOW

-Mallori said...

Hi Donna,
You don't know me, and this is my first comment to leave on your site. I stumbled across your site thanks to Lindsay from Scenic Glory when she did a guest post on your site :)

I began looking through a bunch of your old posts, and I saw your posts for 30 Days of Truth, and I wanted to let you know that seeing your first two posts inspired me to want to also participate in the meme. But honestly, WOW. This one is AMAZING. I admire you for putting THIS out there for everyone to know. That's so brave! I hope one day you CAN forgive yourself for it all, and that you end up being able to get past it and enjoy the life you have!

Thank you for inspiring me to participate in the same meme! I will be starting it on January 15

Mallori
http://nushkoboaiukli-chokvshweki.blogspot.com

Matt Dimitroff said...

Fuck the Marines.

I just feel like an ass right now for not having read this before my previous post.

It's unfortunate that you were put into that position, but now I presume that you have a loving husband and a daughter and are quite happy with them. If you find yourself depressed over something, just think about whatever happiness you have at the time and try to get over it. I hope this doesn't sound too cliche.

Moana_B said...

Donna, This made me cry. I know you were crying when you wrote this. It is something that will stay with you forever. Let it stay with you gently and with acceptance. Don't regret what happened, because everything happens for a reason - and this is part of what makes you who you are today. You gutsy chick. Not many would reveal their deepest secrets, but in doing this I hope it has helped you to heal. Things kept inside tend to rot the soul. Respect your spirit and the spirit of the little one taken, find closure in believing that there is something more to this existence, and one day you will reunite in some way. The goodness in you will be rewarded. Find forgiveness in yourself and give yourself a second chance. Don't let this hinder you, because everyone has a story, and everyone has pain. Bloom inside and flourish into the flower that was intended.
Blessings
Moana
x

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