Big Plans, Writing and Yes, Tears.

I think it's the whole Gemini thing. You know, the duality, the twins, the psychotic tendencies?

I'm kidding! Not all Gemini's are psycho, just some.

Anyway, this is supposed to be my writing blog and I've been kinda goofy lately so not I'm feeling guilty that I'm not writing about well, writing. I think some of the problem is that I'm not happy with how this blog looks. I thought it was pretty at first, but now it seems just too dark and not as cheery as I'd like. Writers don't HAVE to stay in dark wood paneled rooms with heavy furniture and stuffy bookcases do they?

I'll miss this look, but I think it's best suited to something other than a blog.

With that said, I'm going to be finishing up the questions I still haven't answered and posting some poetry from time to time while I work on overhauling the whole look. I've remembered some of the little tricks to html and css coding and want to do more here to make it as inviting and happy as possible.

Some of the plans I have are making pages for a tour of my home, for blog hops, and for links to some of my favorite blogs, and lastly for causes. I think. There is so much in my mind at any given time it's hard to keep up with my thoughts, and yesterday.....

Yesterday I was blog hopping and I found so many stories of Christmas not being what people I don't know, not expect, but maybe hoped it would be. The economy is horrid, and I'll be honest, I got horribly depressed. It's one thing to realize that my family is going through what we are, but my heart broke as I read story after story of families unable to buy gifts for their loved ones.

I have a soft, soft heart where some things are concerned. I sit here in tears as I write this and I'm not really sure why. I mean it's sad for sure, but I think I am having a pity party so to speak. I read a post yesterday that both touched my heart and broke it all at once.

Check it out here @ The Not So Always Happy Homemaker Diaries.

See, hubby and I used to make money.  Lots of money.  Let me say first off that I am in no means trying to make myself sound better than what I am.  BUT.  We never really cared all that much about cars and houses and vacation homes and status stuff.  We blew money like crazy on things most people would consider weird.  Carpet and pews for the church we once attended.  Stuff to make crazy demonstrations for the Childrens class we taught there.  We sent money to almost every charitable organization we felt a connection to.  We bought groceries for people in need, toys and clothes for kids who didn't have any.  We even gave a conversion van away once.  It wasn't to seem like some kind of angels though.  We simply enjoyed it.  We liked helping people.  Seeing the hope and happiness on faces that had been streaked with tears.  Feeling the arms of people who were thankful for a little bit of kindness wrapped around us.  Once upon a time we were Youth Pastors.

We had the love and adoration of a group of fantastic kids that I to this day love with all my heart, in spite of the fact that the majority of them either hate us now or have completely forgotten about us.  Some of those people we once knew would say "My how the mighty have fallen" if they knew about our situation now.  Unfortunately it was never like that.  It was simply people who were unable to accept that a soul can be compassionate and caring and thoughtful without thoughts of some kind of gain from doing so.

Now we can't pay our bills, we've been in foreclosure three times and still struggle to simply keep our home and keep it heated and lit.  There were weeks that we ate mayonnaise sandwiches because there was no other food in the house.  With all that?  The part I miss about having money is being able to help people.  Buying little things for my Mom that make her smile.  Sending flowers to my mother-in-law for no special reason.  Buying a to-go dinner at Applebees and taking it to the homeless guy that hangs out a 7-11.

Money isn't everything.  Some of our happiest holidays have been lately when we've literally had no gifts.  This year will be the same, and it's okay.  I can deal with it for us, but knowing so many of you, my blogging friends, are in the same situation, but with little kids in the house just makes me cry.

Ugh.

I didn't intent to do this.  Not today.  I had to change the title of my blog.  I try to be positive.  My Mother says I'm so positive it makes her want to slap me!  :)  That doesn't explain why I'm sitting here sniffling and wiping tears away so I can see the computer screen.  I sincerely wish, to every one of you reading this that are struggling with anything, that I could reach out and make all your worries and problems go away.  I can't though, so I will tell you that you've all touched my heart, brought tears to my eyes, and I assure you that I think of you all and pray that times will get better and you will survive and endure and grow stronger from what you're going through now.

I also urge any of you who can to follow the lead of Proud Mom and do something good for the holidays.  Volunteer time or resources, Give, Donate, anything.  I promise you that the joy that comes from those small tokens of kindness are the best times ever.

I am so very thankful for the things I've been blessed with, for a roof over my head, food on my table, heat and lights, and no matter how bleak things look for us, I have to remind myself that there is ALWAYS someone that has so much less than I do.  Do what you can, even if it's giving someone a dime to go towards a cup of something hot to keep them warm.  Please don't think I'm preaching, I'm not.  I didn't review this, didn't spellcheck it, this is straight from my heart and sometimes the thoughts get all jumbled up in my head and don't come out the way I want, so please take this in the spirit in which it was written.

Now, I've unloaded on you all, I promise tomorrow will be better, and hopefully I'll have the start of a new look and feel for my little bloggie baby here, so come back soon!  I'll be here!